The New Year Resolution

that people put up every year but never seem to accomplish. I'm not putting any high expectations on this one so let's see how many of them I can fulfill, yea?
1. Treasure those hours sleeping in bed. Stop sleeping late!
2. Attend my AM classes. Religiously.
3. Get 3.0 or higher.
4. Go to the library more often, and actually STUDY hehe.
5. Appreciate my family and best friend more for going out of their way to love and put up with someone like me.
6. Love and cherish the friends that have been there for me at my worst.
7. Stay away from boy drama. = BOYS
8. Cross with my Psis. With flying colors. AO <3
9. "Good things come when you wait" the right guy will come knockin at my door.

I think this is good for now.

Before today ends

I would like to write the first blog for the new year 2010!
This year marks a new beginning for me. One thing I wish to do this year is to make good decisions in everything I do. Stay focus in school is my priority. I don't want to waste another second of my life not knowing what I want to do. I've been bugged by the thought of what will become of me once I graduate college. I really want to be serious about something and decision is what I need to make.
I realized that 2009 has its ups and downs, and I can't stand that instability. Everything that I took part of somehow ended in drama, disappointment, or discontentment. But this year will be one good year because I said so :)
Along with my family and friends, we will make it a wonderful one.

When it was my turn

to take matters into my own hands, I finally took that chance. Naturally, I was disappointed at the result. Nothing can be the way you expected on the first try. You were right, vulnerability is a high stake. Still, I never liked your way of thinking because I want to stop protecting myself. I went all-in because I believed that it was time for me to be less selfish. But then I was hit in one shot. Yes, "I told you so."
I was never more open to possibilities than that time, but now I realized that I got more things to worry about than foolish efforts for a shot at love. I don't want to sit at the waiting bench anymore because I just don't put myself in that position. Ever. So don't expect me to be that vulnerable anymore. I believed that it was all worth it until I realized you've been wasting my time. I waited for a simple 2 letters or 3 letters answer, but I got more than I asked for. Even so, I take in everything you said, but your actions did not live up to your words. Words. WORDS. This was all bs, but I still defended you till the end. You are a good person, but I realized I have been looking in the wrong direction. Forgive me. I bought into the idea that things could work out if I allowed people to put their nose into it when life could be much more simple if I left it alone and let the puzzle pieces fall together. I should've trusted myself more when I second-guessed my feelings.
I like us as friends. Let's not change that because I'll live up to my promise that I will be someone you can trust here. I don't want to be thrown into the pile of people that you were once close to, that you once trusted. I hate being part of the "oh typical."
On the matter of trust. Once upon a time, there was a girl who faithfully put trust in her close friends. But there was a bad apple in the bunch that crushed her belief that people could be easily trusted. I felt like you waltzed to your own beat without realizing that your exaggerations could hurt me. I started thinking that you just want to control me because everything you said were targetting at me. Because you were one of my closest friends in davis, I trusted you and I misjudged myself and wanted to change my ways. Why were you always overly sensitive to what I do? This is one of the reason why I was scared to be around you because I can sense you judging every inch I make. Then you exaggerate your stories. One side of my head know what I did, but the other side can't help but believe in your words. When everyone around me said, "You didn't do anything wrong" I became upset, but nothing makes me more upset than our friendship falling apart. Trust me, I always valued it, but something just didn't work for us, and it caused us to gradually drift away. It was partially my fault that things soured between us. No matter what, you were someone that I trusted the most because I could clearly see that you were a good friend on some level, and you genuinely cared for me. Time could've mended some scars and bruises, but I find it pretty impossible to talk to you because of the way you were treating me. All I wanted was for us to chill out for a bit, but you took the first step to fuel the fire. If this is your idea of "working things out" then I'm just going with the flow.
I may like watching dramas and Gossip Girl, but one thing I hate the most is to have dramas in my life. Trust me, I did not ask for ANY of this. I'm a freakin sophomore in college and this is not what I'm looking for in life.
I'm lining up bricks so I can build this wall. This girl can no longer trust people so easily. Nor can she give in too quick to pressure.

Always wish you were here

I heard the sound of you spitting in the sink. Annoying and gross, I used to think. But last night was different. Feels almost like you were back home. And I wish you were. Whenever I'm eating good food or wearing new and pretty clothes, I can't help but feel a pang of guilt. I'm never wholeheartedly happy because whenever I'm adorned with comfort and my body is filled up with nourishment, I think of how you have none of that. And I wish you do. I can't talk to you on the phone, telling you how my day went, how was school, and what I ate today. I don't like showcasing my life to you because I have almost everything. But you have none of that. I can't be content unless I know that you are having a fair share of this good life that I have. You're still young yet your youth is wasting away. I wish it not.
I miss you.
Until you come back, my life is pretty much incomplete.

Don't faze me.

I am me
A normal girl with a spring on my feet.
Do not suppress my happiness with your cold remarks and harmful intentions.

This I know

Our memories will last indefinitely. I will never forget you though. It's not a promise. It's a truth. I'm not too sure if I like the sound of that, but it may be something that I should accept. And I accept. These feelings remain strong, but I can only pull away. I wish that one day I will get a chance--the liberty--to show them. Whether it's for you or another, I'm not worrying too much about the future.

Regrets? The norm.

I've been sleeping in my mom's room again. I used to sleep with my mom all the time when I was little. It was how I was raised so now I would be scared to sleep by myself. It's pathetic, but I can't help it. I feel the security of a well protected child when I sleep next to my mom. But lately I noticed that my mom has about 4 clocks in her room. The ticking sound basically ticks me off. Then I thought to myself, why does she put so many clocks in one room? Maybe because it is convenient for her. Wherever you are in the room, you can tell the time. If people haven't noticed, time actually go slower when you just constantly look at the clock and hand ticking sixty times can feel like forever. As you get older, you hope the days are longer, and you wish time would go slower. Therefore, you glance at the clock every second and you stay awake as much as you can.
We tend to take a lot of things for granted in our life and time is one of them. When we were just a child and a teenager, we hope for time to pass. As we approach the inevitable, we could only wish there were more time. Have we ever stop to think how important it is to take our time? But this is just how we are. Human. There's something about us that works like a system. We tend to take approaches that leads to dissatisfaction and disappointment. We are the epitome of regrets. We bathe in the lust of things taken for granted. Of course, we fail to realize. The beautiful thing is, in the end, we embrace our mistakes and look forward. It's systematic. It's life in the shoe of a human being. It can't be helped