My first week at Davis was overall great. I love my building (Kearney), my floor (3rd), my roommates (Diem and Abby), and Davis! Even when I was on my way back to Oakland, I was already kiiiinda missing my college. I love what Davis has to offer. My first week were filled with meeting new people, going to some parties, staying up late, biking all around Davis late at night, bonding with my floormates through games of twister, taboo, scattergories, and Big Booty. But through all that fun, I was frustrated by dropping and adding classes trying to squeeze in new ones so they would fit my schedule. But at least now I know for sure which direction I'm heading toward (International Relations) =D. Sometimes I ABSOLUTELY miss my friends from high school. I wanted to make a card to Mira and Aisha for their birthday, but I never got around to it =(. I miss talking to Yingsi on the phone. I miss hanging out with my Panda girls, I miss Mari hugs, I miss Mira and Aisha convos, I miss my loving sophomores from Aypal. And sometimes I get worried that no one would clean up the room for my mom, or wash her clothes, put in her medicine. I miss my babies (nephews and nieces). So I came back this weekend. And I'm a little bit more at ease. My nephews and nieces are so chatty, it makes me feel warm inside.
UCD has been good to me for the time being. I met some great sisters from DOC and I had a lot of fun partying with them. I wish Nancy could be there to have fun with us, too! But what I'm really looking forward to is cruising (with a bike) around town late at night, grabbing late night snacks, which I haven't done yet. I'm trying to make the best of what I got at Davis (like Diem said), and so far it's been a lot of fun here. Anyway, I have a lot of things on my mind and a lot of feelings to express. But all in all, I love and miss so many people!
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Listen you. Yea me.
I enjoy staying at home or not seeing my friends these past few days, I really do. I'm not really in the mood to socialize lately. Also, I can't drive so there's really no place to go around here via bus. I can't deny that it has been boring, but that is only when I start thinking about, "where should I go?"
Anyway, I want to prove to myself that I could reach the same level of happiness as the one I once had few months ago. Yea, I'm going to do this for myself.
Anyway, I want to prove to myself that I could reach the same level of happiness as the one I once had few months ago. Yea, I'm going to do this for myself.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Productive
Yay! I practiced driving today. And I actually got the gist of it =) It was funny how whenever I brake I looked over to the passenger seat and saw my brother's face, looked like he was about to puke from my bad braking xD Then I got on my bike and drove around my neighbor, uuggh I don't like that bike. I got 3 bruises because of it now. I want some cold stone!!!
Saturday, September 6, 2008
14 more days
and I will be in Davis starting my a new chapter in my life. I can imagine myself being occupied with so many things there. But when I went to the AYPAL social today I remember that I will be leaving so many of my favorite people back here in Oakland. Suddenly, I want things to slow down a little so I can cherish time day by day being here in Oakland, close to the people that I adore. I'm so glad to have been part of AYPAL because I met the some of the most amazing people there. I would like to mention my beautiful girls and sexy boys (lol) from Oakland High who are now becoming sophomores. They are the most loving group of people and they brought to AYPAL energy, fun, and family love. Like they said, we are like a second family to each other. I'm going to miss them sooo damn much and I wish that me Abby and Diem would have time to come back to Oakland every Tuesday to attend the YLO meeting. But we'll try our bestest to visit. Because that's how much we love you guys! Anyway, I had a great time today (although I got so soaked and a blister behind my ankles) hanging out with my AYPAL loves. Tiff and Vay I will dearly miss you guys! I hope everyone would move to Davis so I can see them everyday. haha. Anyway, to end my day blog, I actually built up some nerve to go to my backyard and get on my bike. And OMG you wouldn't believe it but I got on that bike (after 2 failed attempts) xD Then I just bike around my backyard because I didn't want to bike around my neighbor. I wanted to avoid this one neighbor of mine...Anyway, I should practice biking more. Be prepared for Davis because right now I sucked at biking sooo badly, I fell and hit the trashcan then ran into my nephew's bike, I just suddenly forgot to brake. I didn't even try to brake. In my head, I was just thinking..."ok...here goes I'm gonna hit that trashcan" then BAM I fell down and now I have 2 bruises on my thigh and my butt is aching. =( Ah! I got sidetrack again. Anyway, have a happy night everyone.
"The air is the only thing we share."
What a sad thing to say. Where there is a hopeful phrase of "We are living under the same sky," there will be a latter phrase of "The air is the only thing we share," to attack the former.
I'm in my closet writing this at 12:05 am. Something about this topic just suddenly pop into my head. I want to talk about it. I feel like we're two totally different people now. We can't talk anymore. It's uncomfortable just looking at you. A reminder that I'm just a remainder after I am subtracted out of your life. And the fact that we can't seem to befriend. It bothers me very much. And I'm doing a good job not to show it, but I don't want to hold it in anymore. So let me confess through this blog. Sometimes I wish no one was reading this because I really don't want anyone to see my feelings and mind so naked through the world wide web. But it's just something that I have to accept when I put this blog in public view, that I have to look pass all the criticisms and the mockeries. So I will free write and write freely through my thoughts. Back to what I was saying. I hate the fact that we can't even be friends. And it was like something mutual that happen between us. But I didn't like the decision one bit. However, I could not do anything to help it. I deem it ridiculous how we know each other initially and want to become friends, but we never put in the effort. I can't do this anymore because I wouldn't like to see her get jealous and I know you wouldn't want to see that either. So this is how it goes. An unfavorable fate. I suddenly remember that one story that you told me, the very last story that you told me. It was about the mother who died and the son only realize the love that she gave him at the very last moment. Then it was too late. You must've thought it was a good ending, a more happy one than the Man in my story. I saw it differently. I didn't like that kind of ending. The kind of ending where everything was too late, and the one person left on the road could not have a chance to redeem. I always avoid reading stories and watching movies which have this ending. But how unfortunate that you would become the mastermind to the kind of ending that I tried to escape from. And I had to sit through it till the end only to find that at the end of the story, no smile, no happiness, only loneliness and guilt was left for the boy.
Then I realize that it's better that the outcome of the story--and life--should be left undisturbed. I think...I deserve a little fresh air, too.
Gerberas and tulips I love.
I'm in my closet writing this at 12:05 am. Something about this topic just suddenly pop into my head. I want to talk about it. I feel like we're two totally different people now. We can't talk anymore. It's uncomfortable just looking at you. A reminder that I'm just a remainder after I am subtracted out of your life. And the fact that we can't seem to befriend. It bothers me very much. And I'm doing a good job not to show it, but I don't want to hold it in anymore. So let me confess through this blog. Sometimes I wish no one was reading this because I really don't want anyone to see my feelings and mind so naked through the world wide web. But it's just something that I have to accept when I put this blog in public view, that I have to look pass all the criticisms and the mockeries. So I will free write and write freely through my thoughts. Back to what I was saying. I hate the fact that we can't even be friends. And it was like something mutual that happen between us. But I didn't like the decision one bit. However, I could not do anything to help it. I deem it ridiculous how we know each other initially and want to become friends, but we never put in the effort. I can't do this anymore because I wouldn't like to see her get jealous and I know you wouldn't want to see that either. So this is how it goes. An unfavorable fate. I suddenly remember that one story that you told me, the very last story that you told me. It was about the mother who died and the son only realize the love that she gave him at the very last moment. Then it was too late. You must've thought it was a good ending, a more happy one than the Man in my story. I saw it differently. I didn't like that kind of ending. The kind of ending where everything was too late, and the one person left on the road could not have a chance to redeem. I always avoid reading stories and watching movies which have this ending. But how unfortunate that you would become the mastermind to the kind of ending that I tried to escape from. And I had to sit through it till the end only to find that at the end of the story, no smile, no happiness, only loneliness and guilt was left for the boy.
Then I realize that it's better that the outcome of the story--and life--should be left undisturbed. I think...I deserve a little fresh air, too.
Gerberas and tulips I love.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
The little blue house
Quite little for a family of eleven. Including the kids, the number might even exceed 15. For seventeen years of my life, I have been surrounded by loud voices, clanging of dishware and utensils in the kitchen early in the morning, kids running around the house imitating car noises. I've grown into it, and I know one day when I leave for the bigger world out there, I'm going to miss this. I remember taking a trip to Davis and staying at Kieu's new house. I eerily noticed the quietness. It was uncomfortable for me and I wonder if I ever had to live on my own, would I be able to take it. I love every part of my family. My mother and sisters lecturing me with their scary threats and unyielding voices. But through it all, I get phone calls asking, "Where are you? Did you eat yet? Are you having fun? If you need anything just say." I know ,without any uncertainty or doubts, they love me. And then I would miss my obnoxious and energetic kids who make my sisters go crazy. They remind me of the little simple but beautiful things in life. The tidbits of joy that they bring into this family. They teach me of how easy we could achieve and hold onto happiness. My brothers are the most gentle. They never try to raise their voice at me, they would make sure that I am safe and warm and not starving. How I am going to miss all this. And I don't want to be away from it. I'm excited for the big world out there, but I'm scared to walk away from this golden bond that makes me feel like I belong. Looking back, this family was so fragile and on the verge of breaking. I remember that one night when I was around eleven years old. I was laying in bed half asleep when I heard my mother and brother arguing, one holding a knife, the other unwilling to compromise. And tracing back a few years earlier, I would hear my mother yelling loud enough for the neighbors to hear, cursing her life and her husband. It was weird how I always hear stories from my mother about my father and how bad he was, but I never grow to despise him. In fact, I love him even though he was only with me for eight years of my life. But I could feel his love and care for me. If not that he was a good husband to my mom but he was the best dad I could have in this lifetime. And my mom was strong, a superwoman. I was always at awe by the fact that she could love all her children equally and not favor one over the other, and she had so much children. She made sure that each one of us was raised healthy and taught well, and I felt she achieved that. My mom is a great woman. I think through all the breaks and cracks that my family has gone through, what held us together was love and appreciation was our foundation that kept our family standing. I couldn't ask for a better family.
Monday, September 1, 2008
I don't know anymore
Should I blame myself for the barrier that's starting to build up in our friendship?
Anyway, today I was woken up by Anna phone call asking me for Jin's number because supposedly they were planning to go eat dim sum together. Then I planned to go eat at sushi house. Since we couldn't think of anyone to call (although we did call jason, diana, and abby) only me and Diem went. So I tried to reason for it maybe it's because Anna was about to leave for Harvard soon so they want to hang out with her. But there has been so many times and so many reasons that I have not been hanging out with Jin and Jason. I guess it's a one-sided thing and only I feel close to them but they don't feel the same way. During my last high school year as a senior, I've grown really attached to some people. Some of them I would definitely mention is Jason and Jin, and I want to point them out because lately I feel so distanced from them.
Jin...let's see. It was so unexpected becoming a close friend to him. In middle school, we never really hang out and talk that much. We were in such a biiiiiig group and I only stick with the girls or Jason and Huy. And I always thought he was one of those people (Judy, Baiyi, Davis, etc) who did not want to be close to me because he probably think I'm obnoxious and an untrustworthy person. So I was always discouraged once and again to talk to him and the other people. But when we got to high school, and although it took us a while, we started talking more in Senior year. Jin was always nice to me, even though he has a potty mouth and he says mean things, but I know he was a veryyy sweet person for all the nice things he did for me. I always thought it was something that I could keep in my heart forever because someone could be so nice to me. And we will remain as good, very good friends. But it doesn't feel that way anymore. And Jason, we've been friends for 7-8 years and I feel like I could always talk to him with no restriction because of how comfortable I feel when I'm around him. Honestly, I don't have a lot of guy friends that I could feel at ease with. A friend like that don't come around as often, it feels much more special. Ever since he had his first girlfriend, it was harder to communicate. But then we got closer after that situation. But now our friendship is strained again.
So I don't know anymore.
And I got a call asking me to go bowling. And as much as I want to go, I said "no" again...and I feel like Jin is tired of me saying I don't want to go that he doesn't bother asking me anymore. It makes me feel sad, disappointed, and out of place. I wish I could have the freedom they have, then I wouldn't be so constricted to answer a simple question such as, "do you want to go bowling?" And I doo sooo badly want to say yes, but at the same time, I feel so discouraged with the impression that I get when I talk or see you guys. I'm sorry. You may say I think too much, but I wouldn't think this way if it's not the because of the kinds of action you guys make to have me thinking this way. Can this be mended?
Anyway, today I was woken up by Anna phone call asking me for Jin's number because supposedly they were planning to go eat dim sum together. Then I planned to go eat at sushi house. Since we couldn't think of anyone to call (although we did call jason, diana, and abby) only me and Diem went. So I tried to reason for it maybe it's because Anna was about to leave for Harvard soon so they want to hang out with her. But there has been so many times and so many reasons that I have not been hanging out with Jin and Jason. I guess it's a one-sided thing and only I feel close to them but they don't feel the same way. During my last high school year as a senior, I've grown really attached to some people. Some of them I would definitely mention is Jason and Jin, and I want to point them out because lately I feel so distanced from them.
Jin...let's see. It was so unexpected becoming a close friend to him. In middle school, we never really hang out and talk that much. We were in such a biiiiiig group and I only stick with the girls or Jason and Huy. And I always thought he was one of those people (Judy, Baiyi, Davis, etc) who did not want to be close to me because he probably think I'm obnoxious and an untrustworthy person. So I was always discouraged once and again to talk to him and the other people. But when we got to high school, and although it took us a while, we started talking more in Senior year. Jin was always nice to me, even though he has a potty mouth and he says mean things, but I know he was a veryyy sweet person for all the nice things he did for me. I always thought it was something that I could keep in my heart forever because someone could be so nice to me. And we will remain as good, very good friends. But it doesn't feel that way anymore. And Jason, we've been friends for 7-8 years and I feel like I could always talk to him with no restriction because of how comfortable I feel when I'm around him. Honestly, I don't have a lot of guy friends that I could feel at ease with. A friend like that don't come around as often, it feels much more special. Ever since he had his first girlfriend, it was harder to communicate. But then we got closer after that situation. But now our friendship is strained again.
So I don't know anymore.
And I got a call asking me to go bowling. And as much as I want to go, I said "no" again...and I feel like Jin is tired of me saying I don't want to go that he doesn't bother asking me anymore. It makes me feel sad, disappointed, and out of place. I wish I could have the freedom they have, then I wouldn't be so constricted to answer a simple question such as, "do you want to go bowling?" And I doo sooo badly want to say yes, but at the same time, I feel so discouraged with the impression that I get when I talk or see you guys. I'm sorry. You may say I think too much, but I wouldn't think this way if it's not the because of the kinds of action you guys make to have me thinking this way. Can this be mended?
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)