This is beautiful, I hope.

Fuuudge. I was in the bathroom earlier and I heard a scratching noise coming from my bathroom window. So scary!!! Now I'm in this big room alone. My mom and sisters left for SD already. =( Earlier I went to Castro bowling alley with some friends. Thanks Huy for the ride! =) Then we went to in n out and grizzly hills. We could see so many stars up there and the whole city! It was nice. I had fun with Jason, Dana, Huy, Kenny, Steven, and Diem. Too bad the cops told us to leave haha. So at this moment, I'm just waiting for Chi to come home and give me some peace of mind. Blogging kills time.

Ever since that last conversation I had with you, I feel like there's no need for us to talk much. I've imagined that maybe I've become annoying and you prefer to be without my company. I don't want to bluff saying that maybe I've stopped liking you or I'm fine if you found me irritating. But you know, I'm working at it.

Monday is near.

My sisters are leaving. Soon. It's gonna be another boring 6 3(!) months. They might not even come home this summer. Ew.

Explanation.

Yes, I often find many reasons to account for my actions and feelings to people. In the end, those explanations bunch up into a messy yarn. Complicated, impossible to disentangle. But there is always an ultimate reason to all these complications. My confession is because I am possessive and selfish and in need of attention. And there are a lot of people out there like me. Still it makes me feel unpleasant to know that I'm not a very good person. Like when my friend ended up with a guy I like, I felt uncomfortable. I feel like I already lost something and I was scared that I might lose something else. Her friendship, maybe. That is a little extreme. More likely possible is her attention or her adoration. And if I was to not have that, I would feel abandoned. I hated that feeling. I really did not want to feel that insecurity again. Ohhh how selfish I am, really. People say that no one is perfect, but I really want to be a good person.

New Year is not here. But almost here.

Since 2009 is almost here, I decided to make a New Year's Resolution list and I intend to follow it as much as I can.
So...first I would like to spend less from my financial aid money. The last quarter, I made such a big mistake. I spent so much. Money just kept going out and not in. I will be more thrifty.
2. Find a job. So money goes in, too!
3. Get a driver's license.
4. Get at least solid Bs in every class
5. Be happy!
6. ARC ARC ARC. haha.
7. Cuss less (Sandra is such an influence. haha But I <3 her!)
8. Join a club or two!
9. Go to Utah to visit Chi Bao Vy!
10. Save up money for a trip to China. =)
11. Love my family more.
12. Be a good friend and best friend.
13. Help elders on the street.
14. Defend my sisters when they get bashed on by my mom. haha.
15. Be a better person for myself and for people around me.
There might be more. But for now this is all I have!
By the way, I've been in really good mood these days hanging out with my family. I hope there'll be more of this. Happy break everyone!

Souhait de bonheur.

I forgot to talk about this. So last Sunday, the 21st, I went to visit my brother at Yuba County Jail and I thought about how much I wanted my family to be happy. I wish my brother could be out of jail soon and not get deported to Vietnam so he could continue with his school and his job; start anew and live with contentment because he's not a bad person, and I wish he could be happy and will be happy. I wish my older sisters and brother will be financially stable because they are so hardworking and their work is hard and it gets tiring for them everyday as they struggle to make a living for themselves and their children. I wish my mom could worry less because she deserves it. All her life she's been up and about so that her children could live a proper life and she succeeded. But even now at this age she is still thinking about everything that makes her stress and nothing that makes her happy. I wish my sisters who already have a family will have peace and love within that realm.
Ever since I came back I found some internal problems in my family and I've been feeling worried. While those problems are still there they have subsided and sometimes are veiled from my other younger sisters and I. But I can't help but feeling troubled that they might be a threat to our family's bond. I'm really scared. So this Christmas I wish that my family can be happy and through arguments and problems we can surpass it by remembering precious moments that we spent together and those moments marked our love for each other.

Hmm hmmm....

Today was nice. I was planning to go shopping with my family but I decided to grab lunch with Diem Jonathan and Hao instead. Gary also came along and he made us wait forever! Hmph! Haha it's ok. I had a lot of fun with them because they say and do the most random things that make us laugh. =D Yesterday I took 50 mins to draw this picture of Diem.
It's nicer right?? haha. Well it doesn't really look like Diem but yea. I'm planning to draw Abby next. Ahh...I kind of wish that I went with my family right now. Oh well, I'll just draw.

Promesses de bonheur.

Someone who will put up with the things
Loving me can bring
But still be there to see us through
Someone who would put up
With the strange and complicated things
Cause I would do the same for her too
Someone who I can be real with
Aint gotta be perfect
Because loving one another is all that matters
Listen to this: Someone-Musiq. Real music. =)
Anyway, I woke up quite late today! I need to fix my internal clock since I will have a 9 o'clock class next quarter. So...what have I been up to?

I'm not quite done with the last one yet. Ahhh I'm not quite good at drawing as you can see. But it's ok, practice and effort will give good results. haha. Sketching is becoming a hobby. It gets my mind off of things that I don't want to think about. Oh yea, I can't believe Diem and I fell into a pit. And not just some pit but the same pit. I'm not going into details though. But we promised to try to get out of it. Let's see what happens. I want to make a promise to myself too. That I can be happy again. And I don't want to deal with the same problem over and over. 'Cause I think only I can help myself. I want to be emotionally stable and I won't let petty things bog me down.
EDIT
I'm done! haha And I did a little touch up on the second picture. Hmmm what should I draw next???

Home is

like a good dream. Except it can also be a reality. It's something similar to a fluffy and warm comforter that I wrap myself with when the wind arrives.
So, I've been home ever since Saturday. I found myself happier being at home. It's like a sanctuary for me now when I feel out of place. Even though I told myself and a bunch of people that I would like to stay home most of the time this week, but I've been out for three days already. It's really hard not to go out when your friends are coming back to Oakland calling you out. =\ I really do want to stay home but at the same time I don't want to not see my friends.
On Tuesday, I went to San Jose Christmas in the Park for Alvin's and Bryan's birthday. It was nice seeing people from Davis again. Although we didn't get to do much or hang out as a whole, I had fun. However, it's hard not to admit I did feel like a loner at times cause everyone had someone to talk to and I'm just standing around. We stayed out till 12am and thanks to Danny, Abby, Diem and I had a ride back home.
On Wednesday, Anna called me out early in the morning to see her because she just came back from Harvard. Let's see, Anna got sooo much more outgoing (in good and bad ways). But then if she's happy with the things she does at Harvard, then I'm glad that she is satisfied with her life there. Diana, Abby, Diem, Anna, and I went to Berkeley to visit Nancy. Nancy still has her finals, so sucks for her. haha. Met up with Jin, Davis, and Thomas so we went to grab something to eat. Then we went back to Davis dorm to watch youtube videos on prank calls. They were so hilarious. Good times with Thomas and Davis =) and of course Diem and I started camerawhoring on Davis's Mac. hahaha =P
So today, I went to visit Tech. Nothing more I can say except I MISS IT sooooo much!!! =(
So for now I really want to see and hang out with a whole bunch of other people that I haven't seen yet. I miss you guys! So many things to do. Oh yea and I'm broke. xP
Last time I was talking to a certain somebody about how I feel better when I'm alone. It sucks to have to live this way. I actually realize how lonely I am when I'm around a whole bunch of friends. So I actually prefer being alone. I don't know what's gonna become of me. I used to be so loud and alive and now I'm so kept away and afraid. But all in all, home is a peace of mind.

I miss

the old me.
How did I come to this stage? I don't know.
I can't go on a day without being broken up.
And I'm tired of crying half-heartedly and then holding back the tears.
I feel like no one can make me feel warm again, except for family.
I can't wait to just be at home. At least I have a place to go to where I feel belong and wanted.
Yay! Linh and Lan are coming back today.

Spent and Done

And I hear your words that I made up.
You say my name like there could be an us.
I best tidy up my head I"m the only one in love.
I'm the only one in love.
Melt my heart to stone- Adele

Today marked the day that I survived the first quarter of college =). The journey was extremely tiring, stressful, and unpleasant. But I am glad that I experienced it, lived it, and got through it. Now...just 3 years and few months left of this. haha. Since I didn't get to sleep for more than 2 hours these past week, I indulged myself in a 3 hours nap just now. It's amazing how I hard it was to wake me up even though there were people in my room talking so loud. That's how spent I am.

On to other things...
Lately, I've been listening to Adele songs. I love her songs! And she's a great singer. Her songs are bittersweet and relatable. Her voice brings the song a whole new meaning. Instead of someone who is asking for pity, she creates the character as someone who accepts and being realistic about the situation and that's what makes it so bittersweet.
Life is...indeed bittersweet. Maybe that's why I like chocolate so much. But I usually like it just a little bit sweeter than it is bitter. Like someone in the past who created the saying, "You are what you eat," I'm a bitter person who makes an effort to be sweet. :P Haha. Honestly, I haven't been fully open with my feelings when I write on these blogs. And as a person who doesn't keep a diary or a journal, those feelings are all bottled up inside. There are many things that I don't even tell my best friends. I'm afraid of my feelings being ridiculed. Ah, it's crazy (and Hieu must think I, myself is crazy, too.) but I'm so pessimistic about what I feel. I usually think of how unreasonable my emotions can get and how people will shake their heads at me for it. So when you ask me how do I feel, expect the most incomplete answer.
And back to what Hieu said on how I keep on beating myself down. Yea, maybe it's true that I'm not willing. And it's also because I'm not strong. No, of course I don't like beating myself at these things. This was suppose to be an heureux voyage but I'm not making an effort at it. I'm sorry to myself. I think I make a lot of little mistakes and creating ridiculous imaginations in my life that makes me feel apologetic to others and myself. I'm one emotional person but I'm definitely not emo. So don't worry too much about me. Sometimes I just need fresh air, gerberas and tulips, and a little time to myself. Like right now!
Diem and Abby still have finals tomorrow, but I'm done. So I have start packing soon then I'll be back home in Oakland.

One little bird, two little bird, dead little bird.

Three's a crowd.
My mind is off in la-la land and my fingers lingered to the keyboard so here I am blogging. Music theory is killing me, there is so many things to memorize.n=( Yesterday I studied for Astronomy till 3am and walked to M building (in the freeezzzziiinnngg wet weather of Davis) to study for Economics with Phu. I have to admit, that study session till 6am helped a lot. Thanks a lot Phu! For the past few days, the only thing that has been in my head is the final. Can't be more of a nerd than this. BUT I can't wait for a well-deserved break. I want to spoil myself after this. hahaha. 8:30pm is in 2 hours and I will be off to the Social Science building bombing that Econ final. Like my Psychology professor James Engle said, I see finals as a challenge not an obstacle. So I'm not as stressed out, as most people.
Anyway, let's stop talking about finals.
I suddenly recall one of the conversation that I had with my friend. I told him that I can't seem to like anyone because I am afraid that my feelings will not be as strong as the one before. And he felt the same way. How unfortunate. When will we have the courage to give in to the possibilities of happiness? The other type of happiness that only one person could give. Not the family or friends kind of happiness. I'm just not all that strong. I am a scared and consequences-driven person.

"Blowing up 120%"

I'm really not the kind of person to express my insecurities everytime I feel that it gets to me. So when I couldn't take it any longer, I overdone myself by 120%.
It's 4:20 am. I want my family. I. Don't. Like. It. Here. I wish I had more reassurance but I know for sure I can only find it when I'm home. With my mom, my sisters, and brothers. My mom and Lan believe that you can't depend on your friends, your family will always be there for you. And I was out there to prove the former wrong. But I really feel helpless sometimes because I really can't feel any consolation even when I'm with the people who I see as my best friends. I hate myself for feeling this way. Like I don't have a reason or right to. But why do I feel like a lonely traveler sometimes? People tend to push away from me. They don't want to be around me. I can't help how unlikeable I've become to myself and to others.
Winter Break, I'm waiting for you.

Death

During the summer, my sister was 2 months pregnant until she got into a car accident and had a miscarriage. At that time, I did not build any connection to the baby yet so I was not deeply affected by the situation. Nor was my sister. Well I can't say accurately how she felt. She was calm when I sat next to her in the hospital, but who really knows if that was a front or not. But two nights ago, I had a dream that my sister was going into labor. I realized how scared I was if she had a miscarriage. So I cried, the fear was overwhelming.

Honestly, I thought a lot about death. As much as I don't want to imagine and place this reality onto anyone, but as you grow older, you just start thinking about what might happen.
What if I lose one of my family members. My answer is I would be devastated and I think I would be in denial. I would. I know people grow old and eventually they will die, but it is something that is so difficult to accept. I can't envision that one day in the future, there will no longer be a complete Eleven. Not that I think about these stuff a lot but then the dream makes me revisit these thoughts.