Limited.

I just woke up and there's absolutely no one in my room. Yesterday night, I just learned from Lina that I need baking soda in my refrigerator so my food will not go bad so quickly. Wow, so much household advice to take in before I start living independently. I stayed up till 5 yesterday night I was too scared to sleep in my room alone. Sometimes I wonder when will I ever own a house by myself, and sleep by myself. Anyway, a topic that I want to touch on is college major.
Nowadays, most students choose their major in accordance to how much money they will make with that major. So we see students going into the engineering field, medical field, or biosci research field. And when I ask most of the students who are cramming with high-level math and chemistry classes, none of them like what they are taking in college. For me, I see college as a learning opportunity. Therefore, I go for classes that will teach me something new and interesting. But then all around me, I see students bombarding their ideas of this major will not make money, this major will make millions, I cannot help but be reeled into the fickle reality of life. Sometimes I would find myself struggling to find the right major that will land me a job with good wage. Everything is about money. There are a few individuals that I've met who have majored in something that they are interested in and not because it will give them a good job in the future. It is truly inspiring, but when I look back at myself I have to be honest. Truly honest with myself that I don't really have the knack for anything. Whether it comes to designing, math, science, or English, I do not best out of anything. It is pretty discouraging. To be more optimistic to myself, I take it that I love to learn. And eventually I will find something that I excel at. But how much time do I have left to learn and how much money can cover this expensive tuition that I'm paying for four years. It is Limited. And reality tells me that I have to continue walking or running, because time does not stop. The big, independent, adult world is waiting for me and I need to be prepare for it. It's truly overwhelming when I think about it. But I try not to.

I've been such a good student, it's un-be-liev-able.
No aim. No facebooking (well once every hour. lol)
Straight studying from lecture notes and what not.
This streak must continue. I must not lose my momentum.

Time

is abstract. It's the hate-it-or-love-it kind of thing. Well rather than "hate-love," time can be important or minuscule to a person. For me, time means everything. In order for me to like someone, I need time. Lots of time. Or forgiveness, it needs time, too. Becoming a person that I wish to be also takes time. When I truly need comfort, but you did not come to me in the nick of time, it was hard for me to pour my heart out to you. I would not say "too late," but do you know how much it would mean to me if you came to me at the right time, when I really needed help? But you did not. I'm hurt by this whole situation. And I was never the kind of person to run away. Nonetheless, I find myself running away right at this moment. Sometimes I would think, do I have the right to feel hurt, even when I am actually hurting someone else? Then I would have to surrender because I'm guilt-ridden. Time will turn into merely a nonexistent thing after everything is resolved. But I want you to know that right now...it means everything. So please stop being late.

A breather.

I feel like I've been suffocated with too much thoughts, too much sweets, too much care. And when have these things turned into "too much?" It used to be not enough, not enough, not enough. Now it's just overwhelming. I don't think I deserve all these. But everytime I recieve, I feel hurt instead of happy because I am also hurting that person. Should I just say "stop" and take no more? I've never come down to rejecting anyperson point blank unless the topic was brought up. It's hard for me, and I know I shouldn't be the one complaining because I have been fortunate for someone to put much thoughts into me. Still...it's something I can't seem to accept (and yet I do. How ironic) because in essence, I do not like him.
Honestly, I am selfish. And beyond that, I wish someone could comfort me and get me out of this. I am a bad person. =\

Happy S.A.D.

So...apparently I passed Valentine's day by 2 hours. I don't like Valentine's day because when you're single it kinda sucks. haha. But then someone sent me a sweet message and it really made my day. So right now I'm in San Diego because it was my sister's birthday. It was nice seeing my sisters again =) The ride here was...long and dreadful and I am not excited to go back at all. Another 8-9 hours. Honestly, I feel scared about school right now. I think I'm incredibly behind on everything!!! But let's not talk about that right now.
One thing that get me tongue tied is when people ask, "why don't you have a boyfriend?" How the hell am I gonna answer that! haha. Not that it's offending but I just can't find the answer to that question. It's not that I put myself in that position, it was more like, things do not happen at the right time and place for me. And that's how it's been for the last 8 years (starting when I was 10 years old). But you know what? It's fine because if something did not happen in it's natural course then it was not meant to be right?<3 to all my single friends out there and cheers to all the couples who made it to Valentine's day. Goodnight. =)

Some things.

I woke up at 1:10 today and it was because of a nightmare. I guess this one expressed the fear that I constantly have. The fear that my best friend might leave me someday with all the other people who wanted to be her friend. It was weird because I thought this fear has subsided during these past few days. For some reason, I dreamt of it today. This quarter has been the most dramatic one for me. From the overwhelming accumulation of work every end of the week to my insecurities, I filtered only some of the bad stuff. I'm glad I could still talk things over with Diem and in the end our friendship remained the same but also stronger. Still, I'm quite jealous that Patty and Nancy could openly expressed their love for each other all the time and we can't really do that. I guess it's ok because like You said, people could tell we're best friends without us announcing it. However, school has been a more stressful than it was last quarter. I think I should get my act together. Hopefully, I could catch up this weekend. Dang, I really missed Patty and Nancy and I want to see them soon!!!

A thought.

2:23, still working on my essay. Procrastination wins. And for once, I am not proud of it. But I'll stop talking about this lame topic of essay and school. So today I went to get a haircut and this topic came up while me and Diem were walking to the salon. It's been a long long while since I've talked to my high school friends. We haven't really made an effort to contact each other online, phone, or in person. Whenever I go back to Oakland over the weekend, I just stay home spending time with my family most of the time. I never make an effort to call my friends and hang out with them. On the surface, we all seem to be drifting apart. But honestly, in my heart I still feel the same for them. Of course I know that it cannot be guaranteed that we will be attach from now and 4 years later. It's scary how the effect of distance could slowly creep up and then slice a friendship into insignificant pieces. Unknowingly, we accept the outcome without any skirmish or fight as an attempt to save a little bit of the connection. No...commonly, we would just look forward, move on. As of now, I still feel close to most of my friends from high school. I hope it hasn't change for them either.

Truth hurts.

It's not that I don't care. I understand, if I were to put myself in your shoes, how you would feel. Being in a group of five where there are already two well-established friendships, it would be difficult to suppress the wanting to assimilate. But these kinds of things cannot be forced upon itself. Like even if you wanted to be best friend with someone, it could not be obligatory acts just to make another person feel better. And I don't want to lie to make you feel better because the truth is we haven't gotten to that level. At the same time, it doesn't mean that I don't care. There isn't much that I can do. It takes time and patience for a friendship to naturally grow. But do not dismiss the fact that all of us care and love each other. We would not leave each other behind and that is something sacred about our friendship. It doesn't happen everywhere and to everyone. On days, I wish that I could established a closer friendship to certain people, too. But then I know if I kept pushing at it, then the end product will be two words: uncomfortable, forceful. I don't want it to be that way with five of us. During high school, not all of us were close to each other. But look where we are at? There will always be someone in your life where you feel absolutely comfortable with. That is your best friend. You can have more than one depending on your preference. I have Diem. Then there are people who you know will be there to support you and make you feel belong. I have Panda.
edit: It's been pretty busy lately. For everyone. I recently depledged from a lil sis program. It took me a while to come to this decision. I just don't think it was for me. I like meeting new people and having fun I'm just not really the party, up-for-everything type of girl. I don't want to be a party pooper either. So lately, me and 5 other girls that I will be living with next year were looking for apartments. We found a really nice place but the review said that there is a high crime rate. But there will be some of our guy friends living there so I think we'll be fine. I most definitely cannot wait to move in. I'm so excited to managed a home of my own (along with my housemates) I can't wait to cook. I'm sooo sick of eating DC food. I'm wasting money left and right xP. The other time we did room-drawing from a bag and my dear luck got me and Diem the biggest room in the house. But it doesn't really make us feel good even though we got a big room because some people got the smaller room. I hate it whenever things come down to this. But we did a fair and square room assignment. If I were to get a small room, of course I would be iffy, but then I'd accept my fate. Honestly, even if you don't say anything, people would understand how crappy you feel for getting a small room. At least we would empathize. But pleaseee you don't have to be so open about it with your complaints and whines, we can't do much about it. I know I'm being mean for saying this, but it is unfair when we have to deal with complaints even though we did get our room under an unbiased and equal system. Anyway, I hope next year when we move in will be a good one. We will all be family-like! I like the people I'm living with already =) and of course the people who will be living close to us (the 'ba tam') hahaha.

Redemption.

Sometimes when I reminisce how I was back then, it makes me even more sad. I used to be so carefree, nothing (like what is happening right now) could break me down. I guess as you grow older, you feel the need to keep a spot for yourself in this world so that you will not be forgotten. So every little thing can make you feel threaten. Best friend, I'm glad I have someone like you around. Honestly, I feel guilty for always getting moody on you and demanding things out of you. I want to be like how I used to be and I think that's why you enjoy being around me right? Not like how I am now. But I'm thankful that you stick around and was understanding and sensible to my insecurities. I <3 you! I want to redeem myself because I think I made you tired. I want to be energetic like before. The fact that I depledge, I don't want that to cause a rift in our friendship. And it will not. I want to be like a comfort pillow to you not a blob of messiness for you to fix. It really shouldn't be that way and I'm sorry that it turned out that way. I think I should stop doubting you because that would only hurt both of us and our friendship. I promise that I would be a better best friend and that is my new year's resolution.