Another home day

I've been doing some window shopping online. Went on sites such as target or ikea to look for dorm things then make a list of the things I want and need for my dorm. I've been not thinking too much about Patty leaving for college because I want to see it as a temporary vacation for her and the others and that she will come back and our friendship remain the same. Yea, that's really how I see it and what I believe: that this goodbye is not suppose to be sad, but then whenever I see her cry (like yesterday night) it triggers a little tear from my eyes, too. I've began to realize that staying at home is not that bad. haha. Since I'm about to go to college, I can see so much freedom I can get. But I shouldn't take that in too fast and I should stay home more.
So today when I was at home watching the news, the issue about McCain picking a woman as VP came up. My uncle had this whole topic about women being part of the political arena. His opinion is that for decades and centuries, women have always put their family issue as priority. They are, essentially, the caretaker. To have a woman as VP is quite risky mostly if she had children. He also said that women are highly emotional compare to their opposite sex and emotional people are weak. So to have a woman (who put feelings on top of practicality) as president or even VP, is a wrong decision. In my opinion, my uncle should have looked at the records of the political candidate first before even judging on gender base. Also, there have been many well-established political leader who are women who has family. Ok, it is true that most women are "feeling" type of people, but that doesn't make them weak and shaky. We've seen many women who are the establisher of the family, who holds the family up through times of breakdown because they are the empathizers, the supporters, and the fool-proof glue that holds family together. They are experienced in this field. And as far as I know, we need someone, who can hold the country together, who knows how to understand what the people want, who knows how to comfort people through times of war and tragedies. And it shouldn't matter whether that person will be a man or a woman.
So I guess I got a little sidetrack, but this topic is similar to the whole "race" topic like what Diem has in her blog. It's really hard sometimes not to be sexist or racist because those things of the past establishes the "what is meant to be" in our mind. But then sometimes we just need to break out of it for the greater good. Because we haven't seen the result yet of what could happen if Obama became president or Palin became VP, we shouldn't be so ready to judge on the outcome just because of their skin color or gender. So we'll all have to see, right?

Carmen

is a play about a gypsy named Carmen who wooed a soldier causing him to abandon his job, mother's last wish, and former lover. After she succeeded in convincing him to join her smuggling gang, Carmen fell in love with a well-known and well-loved bullfighter. In effect, the soldier felt betrayed so he killed Carmen.
Carmen...a spirit of free love, moving from one man to the next. After she is bored with one, she discards him and look for another victim to her neverlasting love.. Confident with her beauty. When I watched the play, it makes me wonder how extreme this play can get. At the same time, all the possibilities it holds when a love gone wrong can lead to so many crazy acts. Carmen was unfaithful to begin with so it was understandable that she deserved such an ending. But what about the people who are not like Carmen? What if they found someone else who they feel much more in love with than their former, could they escape the Carmen-ending or a tragic ending?

The time has come. Brace yourself

For the past...I-don't-recall days, I've been pretty offline and not spending times on the net for hours like I used to. Honestly, it feels refreshing. I have time to reassure myself that I'm still me, still strong and independent, and I can still think straight and focus on doing things for my own leisure, such as reading a book. Because ever since August started, so many things ran through my head. My friends packing and leaving, that not-meant-to-be guy who liked me and whom I cast away with my uncertainties, a reflection of myself, the decision that I will have to face when I step on college ground, and ultimately, going to college and living that life unconstrained by worried adults. But ever since I finished Harry Potter, I feel lifeless and walking around my house searching aimlessly and looking forward to nothing. Anyway, back to what I was talking about. I think I like myself more when I focus on the present and not the past or the future. Although I really did live for the present (making plans to hang out with my friends and such), I felt like my soul was still wandering in the what-could-have-been past and the what-could-be future. I did not like living in those moments at all. And I guess just simply reading helped me out of that phase for four days. I want to look for that Me again. It took awhile and that fated time has finally come. The time when I can move on (honestly, I will forever remember and appreciate the good memories that this summer had left me and the smile he had left me. And although it was bittersweet, I will rest it in my heart). Continuing on, the time has come when Patricia leaves for Harvard. The time when many others will be leaving for college. The time when I will move into my dorm. It's dawning on me. So close. I actually felt the effect of people leaving for college like a few weeks ago and that left me in a phase of sadness and tears. And I think I'm over it, and I'm ready to say good-bye without a tear.

Patricia, I will dearly miss your presence here in California, whether I am walking to class, grabbing lunch, hanging out with the other girls, I know in the back of my head, that one sad phrase "I wish Patricia was here," remains. I think our friendship has surpassed one of the rockiest road that most friends have to go through: Boys. haha. And I think our bond became stronger. I hope this will be cherished for years to come. This summer came with many amazement for me and probably for you, too. We are both becoming adults and I feel like we both made mistakes and it was a good thing that came upfront about it with each other. I will miss taking pictures with you, and laugh at your craziness. Even though I showed you love through my sarcasm and my tough shell (and I thought you were probably annoyed once or thrice with my demeanor) but just so that we'll leave with no misunderstanding and strains in our friendship, I will end this by writing out (b/c I don't really have the gut to say it) straightforwardly that I love you (as a friend, of course. haha.)

Anna, I know you are about to leave. And I will miss your smartness, your getting-the-job-done attitude, your care, your concerns, your fast-talking, your unladylike-ness and so many gifts and flaws that you possess that makes you YOU. Although I've known you for years, I haven't really gotten to understand you and feel that we have been through some deep *shit* together. But honestly, it's ok. I know for sure that your desire to be my good friend and other people's good friend is, nonetheless, genuine. And I feel really thankful and glad that we became close friends. I hope you'll come back here in 3 months from Harvard with interesting stories and news for us! By the way, I'm so glad that you chose to have a pot-sticker day with the girls as your farewell present. =) Much love!
I do want to write about many more other special people who have already left for college but then that will come later. <3 <3 <3

That's all.

I have been reading the 7th and final installment of Harry Potter for the last...3 days. It's Suuuuper interesting. Ok ok, I know people are going to be like, "Whaaatttt? You haven't read it yet?" NO I HAVEN'T. haha. That book has been on my bookshelf for almost a whole year and I've never opened it once cause I was always discouraged by the thickness of the book. But wow, ever since I read it, I could not bear to put it down. And I've just been occupied with it every since and not updating my blog. Even now I don't really feel like updating.
Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about my dorm and I am ecstatic. I can't wait to move in. I've been kinda homestay these past two days, but I did a little dorm shopping. Went hunting for bed sets and I'm a little frustrated by the fact that my bed is an extra long twin bed. I mean...I'm short...ok? I don't need any EXTRA LONG twin size to make my life any more difficult than my height have already made it. But yea...it's been difficult trying to compromise with the size of the mattress at Davis and the one available at the store. And for the dorm decor, I want to have pictures of friends and families. I want a theme to my dorm but then we'll have to see after we move in to see how much space we have. Then me abby and diem will decide together! But that's about the only updates I have right now. I was about to talk about something, but I am an easily distracted person (could quite close to being diagnosed of A.D.D.) so I got sidetracked. Anyway, I'll talk later.

Fate. This one's for Panda.

Reality. When you meet someone, you are taking a risk and facing a consequence that one fated day you will have to say a heart aching goodbye. So be prepared. But even when I am prepared for that one day, I don't think pain and tears could be prevented unless I am living in a lie. Usually, I don't like going into touchy topic and cry about it. But I'll let my emotions flow on this one because I feel like all five of us have a mutual connection that we dearly love each other and we will cry our eyes out through our times of happiness and sadness and ultimately the times we have left with each other. Four years of high school did not amount to nothing. I think I gained so much and Panda was the biggest part of it. I'm so glad we found each other. In less than a year, we have become almost inseparable(mentally). Panda shaped me into a person that I want to become. Being with them, I know that I don't have to bend and twist myself into another personality so that I could make friends. I did not have to become an artificial object of fake smiles and laughters to impress people. And in the process, I also found many close friends that I could trust and be real with. These girls were such a strong tower of support for me that I was not afraid to let myself fall sometimes because I know at the end of the road there remains 4 people in my life who still gives a shit about me. =) There is a reason to why our first initials spelled out Panda. Panda is a symbol for friendship (at least that's what I saw in an article). That means we are fated to be friends forever. Haha, it's like I'm forcing this on ya'll, but I hope our friendship will always stay intact. Hoes over bros, Chicks over dicks, I live by this quote when I'm with these girls. I notice that over the years, months, days, etc. we could all open up to each other. Although we will be separated by states and cities, I still feel blessed and blissful that under the same sky, we continue to think about each other and how we are all doing and if we met any cute guys in college(joke!). So don't be too sad Patricia, Diem, Abby, and Nancy. Even though we are far from each other but our hearts are near. I loooooove ya'll.

"Le coeur en flamme."

Je ne peux pas oublier les bons moments. Je pense que mes sentiments peuvent pas etre aide'
Oh well.
Reste mon coeur.
I went to the Streetfest in Chinatown today. Compare to the other years that I went, I thought this year was much better. There were cool dances from different culture and I get to spend time with my girls. So I'm looking forward to next year's. I saw the lion dance performance. Kevin and Leo was performing, which I thought was cool, and it was funny seeing the little kids attacking Leo's butt 'cause he was making the lion's butt apparent by shaking it nonstop. Haha. Diem and I was tempted to touch it, too xD. I have to give him some props though. And Kevin looks ho ying even though he scared some children xD. I have the highest opinion of Kevin, and I'm "juiced" for Abby. Haha. It was pretty disappointing that Abby and I didn't get to do much with Mari and we didn't hang out longer cause we had some bad planning. I hate planning. My heart goes out to all of my very special friends even the ones that I don't hang out with much because we never came around to planning things. I love you guys! But anyway, we were planning to go watch the sunset, but it was called off because Abby's mom unexpectedly tell Abby that she has to go home for her Grandfather's birthday. xP Me and Diem are going to figure out ways for Abby to get some freedom in college. We are going to create a conspiracy against Abby's mom. Lol. Jp. Her mom is like 20+ years more experienced than all three of us combine, she would figure out every little tricks we have under our sleeves because she was probably one of us when she was our age. Anyway, there are so many other things planned for the upcoming week and I hope they will work out. Please!

The longest nap.

I stayed home the whole day today. Also took a 3 hr nap. Whenever I open my eyes, I feel like closing them again as if to sleep more and to make up for all the extra hours that I did wrong to my body by not sleeping early. I got my desired dorm, and thanks to Denny's help I got the classes that I want, Yingsi left to Providence, many of my friends are moving in and starting classes, Mari Patty and Anna will be leaving for Harvard soon, and Davis is finally calling my name. I used to think college is just school and I never really see it as a big stepping stone. I see my birthday as simply a day that will pass onto another day, and I see college that way. But ever since I started selecting which college I should apply to, then finally make the big decision to which college I will be going to, I realized that going to college will be a milestone in my life. Mix with excitement, happiness, skepticalness, and fear, I feel that college could be overwhelming. I know that I will be like many others who will graduate from college, but at this moment, I feel scared for myself. When Denny told me that I could change my class today, I feel excited because I've been meaning to drop and add some classes. But when I was in the process of adding and dropping, I was stuck for 30 mins to 1 hour figuring out which classes I should take. Being so uncertain about what I want to study for the next four years in college, I wish I was not like that. I am an overanalyzer. I know that I am such an indecisive person and when I am stuck, I only have myself to blame. But honestly, when it comes to my major, I want to be fixed on it and not waver so much. There are so many things to learn and I want to learn everything (even though I know that is impossible). I don't know what I am good at, I don't know what I LOVE to specifically study because I seem to blend into everything besides math and science. I only know that I love learning. The sunrise and set and the next day start, college days are rolling in on me and I can't help but feel scared. Some people sleep to pass time but this nap that I took has a much different intention to it. I was wishfully thinking that maybe the clock would stop as I sleep so that life could give me more time to reflect on what I want to become and how I want to mold my life.

Singular...II

My previous post was kinda short, and I meant to make it longer but something came up. So here, hopefully this will make up for it. I cheat xD.
Dear Diem,

Being single for many years (yes, I'm going to expose us. haha.), I think we have reached the level that no one was able to reach. We're just so damn cool. Even though my brother in law might joke that somethin is wrong with me (implying my sexuality) I don't think that's the case. haha. We just have some over the top discipline compare to other teens.

Being single, was it hard for you? haha.

Seriously, I am amazed at you. Your heart didn't even move for any guys ever since what, 7th grade? Things have been too easy going for us. In my case, whenever I like someone, it's not always wholly as to avoid hurting myself.

But being single isn't something that we are ashame of.

We are singular.

Do you know what that means? It means "extraordinary; remarkable; exceptional:" Got that off of dictionary.com just to be accurate. haha. At the same time, the word means we're unusual, odd, and different. I guess we apply to all of them. But guess what, we're still awesome. Congratulation to our 17 years of life independent of boys. Woot!

<--This was actually taken from my myspace. Looking back at it, I think we both have changed a lot. There was this one period where we were so close, so close to saying bye to our singular-ness, but we both drew back. We both admitted to our regrets and our uncertainties. And now, what do we do? We made another bet. I didn't want to make this into a competition thing, but Diem started it . Haha. But we both decided to wait because this time, nothing turned out right for us. It's true that I have bad timing with these kinds of stuff, but if it doesn't come naturally, it wasn't meant to be in the first place, right? So Diem, don't miss River too much. =) and neither will I linger onto the what WAS and focus on the what is NOW. I think by making this bet (to see who could stay single for all 4 years =X) it helped us in a way. And that is not to rush. And not to blame myself too much for what did not happen. I love the song "Que Sera Sera" because it helps me through times in my life that did not go smoothly. And there's always a reason to why that happen so I should just go with the flow and "What will be will be." And even if that might lead me to lose the bet and my $10, I'll live. Of course.

I can't

stop staring at my dorm assignment!!! Yayyyy I'm so glad that I got the nice part of Tercero AND I'm rooming with my loves, Diem and Abby
=)

=D Smile.

I like this song (Divine Idylle), it makes me smile. I wish it was longer so my smile can last. But then the best thing about life is you can play it over and over again to regain that delight. Like music, I can replay the happy memories in my head until I'm sick of it. Sometimes I find it weird how my smile could be so easily bought from the simplest happenings in life. People mock at me for it, but the saying goes, "Smile is golden." And the more you smile, the longer you live. Haha, ok ok I don't know if that's proven , but damn it feels good to know that you're smiling. So let me tell you something...Patricia. =)

I hope you know that the more you show me that you're happy, and that you and him like each other, I will be able to move on. If you keep doing the "uhh" and the "umm" and the guilty tone toward me, I would be upset, honestly, I would. You know when you first did that, it could only give me false hope that maybe, just maybe he still likes me. And I know that he doesn't. So DON'T do that. I want you to be able to tell me about your love life, what he did to make you happy, what he did to make you mad...like before. Remember? You use to do that all the time, and you're not doing that anymore. =P Idk why, but I could only guess that you probably feel uncomfortable because I like him or w/e. We told each other that no boys will get in between our friendship, and I'm keeping my words. I know you'll keep yours, right? =)

Trust me when I said that I'm happy. I'm living by the quote that "happiness is a journey, not a destination," and I believe that the "present is a gift." You know when you run into a problem, you meet a fork on the road. I think I took the right fork. That does not mean that I have solved my problem. I don't think that everything has to have a solution, but what I did is to accept and be grateful for the present, the gift. Then I found myself to be very content. Ahhh, a sip of green tea.

I feel like I just drank from the fountain of youth.

Good Morning! I've been waking up consistently these days. Anyway, that was not the point of this early blog.
To start it off, I find it nonsensical that I took on the habit of going to sleep while hugging Mister Panda...It's pretty hard to hold him because his head is big with a small body. So I have to hold his head all the time. haha...
With all these acceptance and embracement of my own feelings and habit, I think it's the only way for me to let go. And pretty soon, it will be all memories. Then when I look back, I can laugh at myself for my follies and mistakes.
Sometimes, I wish he could be mean to me. Reallyyy mean to me, so then I can hate him. That's usually the fastest way to end things. hahaha. But it's not going that way! Oh, well. And life goes on. And I have to move on because nothing and no one is waiting for me. That's what I tell myself. Even though James said I always have something depressing in my info (which is not true...did you take a look at my info?), when you see me smiling and laughing with my friends, it's genuine. I think I love my life although I faltered along the way. Diem said that someone was bound to get hurt, and I did. But wounds are meant to be healed like mistakes are meant to be learned. So let me fall and break (but don't break all of me) so I can teach myself how to stand back up all on my own.

Finally...

I can feel myself walking on that road of happiness again. For a while I felt like I lost my balance and stepped out of that road.
So today, I hung out with Yingsi, Kenny, Thomas, and Huy. Yingsi, this girl...I missed her while she was in China, and I will miss her terribly when she leaves for college. We went to Barney's early in the morning, and she gave me a very pretty souvenir (Thanks, love). Well this girl never fail to make me smile because she always have something to say about anything and everything. We basically shopped around Piedmont and Rockridge going into little boutiques there. It was pretty pricey, so I didn't buy anything. Then we planned to see each other again this Thursday, I hope!

Then I met up with Alan, Alex, Nancy, and Diem. We hung out till 9pm, sing, talk, LAUGH (so much), and eat.

It's so funny how when you're not feeling too great about life or yourself, you only need a few people to bring your spirit up. And then you can smile all over again. I didn't know that I could live life so freely. I see other people who are stuck in a dilemma, they depend on a certain person to pull them back out. And when that person does not come to their rescue, they are stuck in that hole of helplessness. But I, on the other hand, feel blessed for having so many friends around me who shows that they care for me. Who can make me laugh effortlessly. Who can give me warmth without even realizing. They are all unconsciously giving me courage just by being by my side. I hope everyone can find that shelter, too.

Years ago, I was ungrateful for what I have. Whenever a certain person breaks me, I feel like he or she is the only one who could make me whole again. It's like the end of the world for me. I find it ridiculous. I was blind and didn't see that there were so many others who were willing to lend me a hand.

Sigh...=| --> =)

This is a sigh of relief. Looking back at those pictures and sweet comments of those lovebirds. I realized I have missed out. I've been walking on this kind of road: whenever I like someone, I always try to retain my cool. So if I ever find myself running toward a dent on a road I know how to retrieve. If I ever face rejection, I can pull myself back up and say "I'm ok" and everyday will be like any day. This is to save face and hopefully it will not bog down people's lives. And...for the past idk years, it worked. Haha. Yea I'm used to this routine. It's a habit.
But then I recently talked to Hieu and finally admit, "I totally lost my cool." It's true. I lost it. But at the same time, I still try to put on a front. =P And it's not helping. Ew.
So finally I put up the courage to retrace my step. How did I get to this point? Then I've come to admit that I liked you. I like you. Then I realize that it's not that bad to be honest with myself. But yea...in my life, whatever I do, I think a lot about the consequences. Can I live for one day and not think about it? It's today, I believe. So there, I admit, even if everyone sees it and shakes their head at me for it.
What I learned from this whole thing is that when I like someone, I should show how I feel even if I lose my cool---mask. I don't know what you think, but I thought I was pretty cool. haha jp!
So from today onwards, I will try be honest with myself. Help me, friends.

L'amour...mmm...pas pour moi

At least not yet.
Ever since this whole thing happen, I feel scared to fall into the same hole again. This whole summer, everything is like the stock market. Happiness rises up then it falls back down. And sometimes me and my girls wish that we haven't met any of you. Because in the beginning, we were only looking for friendship but something else came around. Well at least we did become friends and we learn many things. Diem told me that when me and Patty met you, one of us wasbound to get hurt. That does make sense now that the puzzle comes together. It's so funny how we both became rivals in love. But I think I have given in to Patty from the beginning (white flag up). Blast my instinct! But looking back on everything, I felt glad that Patty has finally found someone who can give her an official happiness instead of hiding it in the dark. Of course I have to admit I have a hint of regret. But everything looks great for both of them. Like Diana said, if they both seem to be getting along fine, then I should be happy for them. Mmm. I won't let my feelings get the best of me. Or let it become a problem for others. So I hope we can be friends. If not then that's fine.
But summer is closing in on everyone and Panda will become like P A N D A. With Patty going to Harvard...whenever I think about it...no matter how much we love each other, and how attached we are, I'm still afraid. These girls have given me so much support and care, I <3 them. I hate letting others see me cry b/c I can't cry as pretty as Yingsi. Haha. So I'll just cry here at my desk. xP