This is beautiful, I hope.

Fuuudge. I was in the bathroom earlier and I heard a scratching noise coming from my bathroom window. So scary!!! Now I'm in this big room alone. My mom and sisters left for SD already. =( Earlier I went to Castro bowling alley with some friends. Thanks Huy for the ride! =) Then we went to in n out and grizzly hills. We could see so many stars up there and the whole city! It was nice. I had fun with Jason, Dana, Huy, Kenny, Steven, and Diem. Too bad the cops told us to leave haha. So at this moment, I'm just waiting for Chi to come home and give me some peace of mind. Blogging kills time.

Ever since that last conversation I had with you, I feel like there's no need for us to talk much. I've imagined that maybe I've become annoying and you prefer to be without my company. I don't want to bluff saying that maybe I've stopped liking you or I'm fine if you found me irritating. But you know, I'm working at it.

Monday is near.

My sisters are leaving. Soon. It's gonna be another boring 6 3(!) months. They might not even come home this summer. Ew.

Explanation.

Yes, I often find many reasons to account for my actions and feelings to people. In the end, those explanations bunch up into a messy yarn. Complicated, impossible to disentangle. But there is always an ultimate reason to all these complications. My confession is because I am possessive and selfish and in need of attention. And there are a lot of people out there like me. Still it makes me feel unpleasant to know that I'm not a very good person. Like when my friend ended up with a guy I like, I felt uncomfortable. I feel like I already lost something and I was scared that I might lose something else. Her friendship, maybe. That is a little extreme. More likely possible is her attention or her adoration. And if I was to not have that, I would feel abandoned. I hated that feeling. I really did not want to feel that insecurity again. Ohhh how selfish I am, really. People say that no one is perfect, but I really want to be a good person.

New Year is not here. But almost here.

Since 2009 is almost here, I decided to make a New Year's Resolution list and I intend to follow it as much as I can.
So...first I would like to spend less from my financial aid money. The last quarter, I made such a big mistake. I spent so much. Money just kept going out and not in. I will be more thrifty.
2. Find a job. So money goes in, too!
3. Get a driver's license.
4. Get at least solid Bs in every class
5. Be happy!
6. ARC ARC ARC. haha.
7. Cuss less (Sandra is such an influence. haha But I <3 her!)
8. Join a club or two!
9. Go to Utah to visit Chi Bao Vy!
10. Save up money for a trip to China. =)
11. Love my family more.
12. Be a good friend and best friend.
13. Help elders on the street.
14. Defend my sisters when they get bashed on by my mom. haha.
15. Be a better person for myself and for people around me.
There might be more. But for now this is all I have!
By the way, I've been in really good mood these days hanging out with my family. I hope there'll be more of this. Happy break everyone!

Souhait de bonheur.

I forgot to talk about this. So last Sunday, the 21st, I went to visit my brother at Yuba County Jail and I thought about how much I wanted my family to be happy. I wish my brother could be out of jail soon and not get deported to Vietnam so he could continue with his school and his job; start anew and live with contentment because he's not a bad person, and I wish he could be happy and will be happy. I wish my older sisters and brother will be financially stable because they are so hardworking and their work is hard and it gets tiring for them everyday as they struggle to make a living for themselves and their children. I wish my mom could worry less because she deserves it. All her life she's been up and about so that her children could live a proper life and she succeeded. But even now at this age she is still thinking about everything that makes her stress and nothing that makes her happy. I wish my sisters who already have a family will have peace and love within that realm.
Ever since I came back I found some internal problems in my family and I've been feeling worried. While those problems are still there they have subsided and sometimes are veiled from my other younger sisters and I. But I can't help but feeling troubled that they might be a threat to our family's bond. I'm really scared. So this Christmas I wish that my family can be happy and through arguments and problems we can surpass it by remembering precious moments that we spent together and those moments marked our love for each other.

Hmm hmmm....

Today was nice. I was planning to go shopping with my family but I decided to grab lunch with Diem Jonathan and Hao instead. Gary also came along and he made us wait forever! Hmph! Haha it's ok. I had a lot of fun with them because they say and do the most random things that make us laugh. =D Yesterday I took 50 mins to draw this picture of Diem.
It's nicer right?? haha. Well it doesn't really look like Diem but yea. I'm planning to draw Abby next. Ahh...I kind of wish that I went with my family right now. Oh well, I'll just draw.

Promesses de bonheur.

Someone who will put up with the things
Loving me can bring
But still be there to see us through
Someone who would put up
With the strange and complicated things
Cause I would do the same for her too
Someone who I can be real with
Aint gotta be perfect
Because loving one another is all that matters
Listen to this: Someone-Musiq. Real music. =)
Anyway, I woke up quite late today! I need to fix my internal clock since I will have a 9 o'clock class next quarter. So...what have I been up to?

I'm not quite done with the last one yet. Ahhh I'm not quite good at drawing as you can see. But it's ok, practice and effort will give good results. haha. Sketching is becoming a hobby. It gets my mind off of things that I don't want to think about. Oh yea, I can't believe Diem and I fell into a pit. And not just some pit but the same pit. I'm not going into details though. But we promised to try to get out of it. Let's see what happens. I want to make a promise to myself too. That I can be happy again. And I don't want to deal with the same problem over and over. 'Cause I think only I can help myself. I want to be emotionally stable and I won't let petty things bog me down.
EDIT
I'm done! haha And I did a little touch up on the second picture. Hmmm what should I draw next???

Home is

like a good dream. Except it can also be a reality. It's something similar to a fluffy and warm comforter that I wrap myself with when the wind arrives.
So, I've been home ever since Saturday. I found myself happier being at home. It's like a sanctuary for me now when I feel out of place. Even though I told myself and a bunch of people that I would like to stay home most of the time this week, but I've been out for three days already. It's really hard not to go out when your friends are coming back to Oakland calling you out. =\ I really do want to stay home but at the same time I don't want to not see my friends.
On Tuesday, I went to San Jose Christmas in the Park for Alvin's and Bryan's birthday. It was nice seeing people from Davis again. Although we didn't get to do much or hang out as a whole, I had fun. However, it's hard not to admit I did feel like a loner at times cause everyone had someone to talk to and I'm just standing around. We stayed out till 12am and thanks to Danny, Abby, Diem and I had a ride back home.
On Wednesday, Anna called me out early in the morning to see her because she just came back from Harvard. Let's see, Anna got sooo much more outgoing (in good and bad ways). But then if she's happy with the things she does at Harvard, then I'm glad that she is satisfied with her life there. Diana, Abby, Diem, Anna, and I went to Berkeley to visit Nancy. Nancy still has her finals, so sucks for her. haha. Met up with Jin, Davis, and Thomas so we went to grab something to eat. Then we went back to Davis dorm to watch youtube videos on prank calls. They were so hilarious. Good times with Thomas and Davis =) and of course Diem and I started camerawhoring on Davis's Mac. hahaha =P
So today, I went to visit Tech. Nothing more I can say except I MISS IT sooooo much!!! =(
So for now I really want to see and hang out with a whole bunch of other people that I haven't seen yet. I miss you guys! So many things to do. Oh yea and I'm broke. xP
Last time I was talking to a certain somebody about how I feel better when I'm alone. It sucks to have to live this way. I actually realize how lonely I am when I'm around a whole bunch of friends. So I actually prefer being alone. I don't know what's gonna become of me. I used to be so loud and alive and now I'm so kept away and afraid. But all in all, home is a peace of mind.

I miss

the old me.
How did I come to this stage? I don't know.
I can't go on a day without being broken up.
And I'm tired of crying half-heartedly and then holding back the tears.
I feel like no one can make me feel warm again, except for family.
I can't wait to just be at home. At least I have a place to go to where I feel belong and wanted.
Yay! Linh and Lan are coming back today.

Spent and Done

And I hear your words that I made up.
You say my name like there could be an us.
I best tidy up my head I"m the only one in love.
I'm the only one in love.
Melt my heart to stone- Adele

Today marked the day that I survived the first quarter of college =). The journey was extremely tiring, stressful, and unpleasant. But I am glad that I experienced it, lived it, and got through it. Now...just 3 years and few months left of this. haha. Since I didn't get to sleep for more than 2 hours these past week, I indulged myself in a 3 hours nap just now. It's amazing how I hard it was to wake me up even though there were people in my room talking so loud. That's how spent I am.

On to other things...
Lately, I've been listening to Adele songs. I love her songs! And she's a great singer. Her songs are bittersweet and relatable. Her voice brings the song a whole new meaning. Instead of someone who is asking for pity, she creates the character as someone who accepts and being realistic about the situation and that's what makes it so bittersweet.
Life is...indeed bittersweet. Maybe that's why I like chocolate so much. But I usually like it just a little bit sweeter than it is bitter. Like someone in the past who created the saying, "You are what you eat," I'm a bitter person who makes an effort to be sweet. :P Haha. Honestly, I haven't been fully open with my feelings when I write on these blogs. And as a person who doesn't keep a diary or a journal, those feelings are all bottled up inside. There are many things that I don't even tell my best friends. I'm afraid of my feelings being ridiculed. Ah, it's crazy (and Hieu must think I, myself is crazy, too.) but I'm so pessimistic about what I feel. I usually think of how unreasonable my emotions can get and how people will shake their heads at me for it. So when you ask me how do I feel, expect the most incomplete answer.
And back to what Hieu said on how I keep on beating myself down. Yea, maybe it's true that I'm not willing. And it's also because I'm not strong. No, of course I don't like beating myself at these things. This was suppose to be an heureux voyage but I'm not making an effort at it. I'm sorry to myself. I think I make a lot of little mistakes and creating ridiculous imaginations in my life that makes me feel apologetic to others and myself. I'm one emotional person but I'm definitely not emo. So don't worry too much about me. Sometimes I just need fresh air, gerberas and tulips, and a little time to myself. Like right now!
Diem and Abby still have finals tomorrow, but I'm done. So I have start packing soon then I'll be back home in Oakland.

One little bird, two little bird, dead little bird.

Three's a crowd.
My mind is off in la-la land and my fingers lingered to the keyboard so here I am blogging. Music theory is killing me, there is so many things to memorize.n=( Yesterday I studied for Astronomy till 3am and walked to M building (in the freeezzzziiinnngg wet weather of Davis) to study for Economics with Phu. I have to admit, that study session till 6am helped a lot. Thanks a lot Phu! For the past few days, the only thing that has been in my head is the final. Can't be more of a nerd than this. BUT I can't wait for a well-deserved break. I want to spoil myself after this. hahaha. 8:30pm is in 2 hours and I will be off to the Social Science building bombing that Econ final. Like my Psychology professor James Engle said, I see finals as a challenge not an obstacle. So I'm not as stressed out, as most people.
Anyway, let's stop talking about finals.
I suddenly recall one of the conversation that I had with my friend. I told him that I can't seem to like anyone because I am afraid that my feelings will not be as strong as the one before. And he felt the same way. How unfortunate. When will we have the courage to give in to the possibilities of happiness? The other type of happiness that only one person could give. Not the family or friends kind of happiness. I'm just not all that strong. I am a scared and consequences-driven person.

"Blowing up 120%"

I'm really not the kind of person to express my insecurities everytime I feel that it gets to me. So when I couldn't take it any longer, I overdone myself by 120%.
It's 4:20 am. I want my family. I. Don't. Like. It. Here. I wish I had more reassurance but I know for sure I can only find it when I'm home. With my mom, my sisters, and brothers. My mom and Lan believe that you can't depend on your friends, your family will always be there for you. And I was out there to prove the former wrong. But I really feel helpless sometimes because I really can't feel any consolation even when I'm with the people who I see as my best friends. I hate myself for feeling this way. Like I don't have a reason or right to. But why do I feel like a lonely traveler sometimes? People tend to push away from me. They don't want to be around me. I can't help how unlikeable I've become to myself and to others.
Winter Break, I'm waiting for you.

Death

During the summer, my sister was 2 months pregnant until she got into a car accident and had a miscarriage. At that time, I did not build any connection to the baby yet so I was not deeply affected by the situation. Nor was my sister. Well I can't say accurately how she felt. She was calm when I sat next to her in the hospital, but who really knows if that was a front or not. But two nights ago, I had a dream that my sister was going into labor. I realized how scared I was if she had a miscarriage. So I cried, the fear was overwhelming.

Honestly, I thought a lot about death. As much as I don't want to imagine and place this reality onto anyone, but as you grow older, you just start thinking about what might happen.
What if I lose one of my family members. My answer is I would be devastated and I think I would be in denial. I would. I know people grow old and eventually they will die, but it is something that is so difficult to accept. I can't envision that one day in the future, there will no longer be a complete Eleven. Not that I think about these stuff a lot but then the dream makes me revisit these thoughts.

A little questioning.

First quarter is almost over!!! For half of this quarter I really didn't have much to look forward to. But now Thanksgiving weekend is almost here. =) Homesickness is taking its toll on me. I miss my family and friends incredibly. So for the next quarter I should really start looking into things that I would be interested in joining and doing. This quarter sucks just a little because I don't really do anything that's outside of my classes. =\ Well I hope next quarter will make up for it.
So last time we had karaoke night on our floor (Kearney 3rd floor) and it was pretty cool. Our floor is not so together. Only some people came out for a floor bonding thing, which is sooooo discouraging. I don't know, for now some of the people here are kind of hard to befriend. Anyway, the point was that Caitlin and I wanted to search up Christmas carols (because they are sooo awesome) but our RA said that we cannot sing Christmas songs. I truly think this is weird. Why the restriction? How could singing some jolly Christmas music offend anyone? =\ I'm willing to listen to whoever could answer these questions I have. Hieu! Maybe you would know? haha.

Strange.

Once again it's inevitable that I usually blog about something that is not good. But that's life right? When everything is happy, people live the moment. When negative situations come around, people sit back and think. Or write. So please excuse my blog that is filled with emo-ness. I'll try harder to blog about more pleasant things. Next time. Lately...I could only stay happy for awhile. And then I would rot myself in pessimism again. Mostly negativity about myself. I don't know when it became such a habit that the things people do or say, it makes me feel so vulnerable to insecurity. I throw a small tantrum at my friends and in the end, I blame myself. Everything goes back to how disapproving I feel about this girl name Anh. I think something is wrong with me. Last time I read Cynthia's blog and it was filled with wishes. I, too, have a many wishes. So many of them that if they were fulfilled, I think I could be more at peace with myself and my relations with others. I don't think I could write anymore. Let's talk later.

When we are wondering and wanting too many a thing.

Life gets complicated and unsatisfying. And then we would make decisions that we think will make things simpler, but instead they become confusing and irritating like a whole bunch of lines messily drawn one overlapping the others. And we're not superhuman, but we would always think that maybe we could do something right and heroic for once.


And I'm such an over-thinker. Over-wanting.


I want my chocolate ice cream that is probably melting right now in Diem's freezer in our dorm. I hope it survives ='( So I went shopping today and I spent so much money. Actually, that was the first time that I go all out, buying whatever I want. Cause usually when I shop, I contemplate on whether I should buy it or leave it. So the first thing that I talked about today in this blog doesn't completely tie in with my shopping. I believe it's true that most people start off setting a standard about something.

Let's just say...choosing a love partner... Like I said in the blog title, they start off in a process of picturing the love interest and then wanting. I should stop beating around the bush. This blog is basically about the "ideal boyfriend/girlfriend."

So usually if you ask someone what would be their ideal. They would list a bunch of adjectives that can be pretty specific and some are vague. They might say "Someone who is nice, well-mannered, understanding, sweet, etc." BUT once you meet someone you like, the only damn thing that matters is that you guys mutually share the same feelings for each other. So why all that complications? When someone asked me that question, it's so hard for me to answer. I want to give them an answer but then it's just impossible to talk about it. Ok so what if you meet someone that fits your descriptions of the ideal? There are millions of people who could fall into every single description, but then it doesn't necessarily end with you liking him. There's always, what psychologist would say, a third variable. But people still can't help but think too much and want too much, as a result, confuse a clump of others through their generalization and categorization. What, The, Heck. was I talking about this whole time? Anyway, I had a good day (cleaning the kitchen) hope everyone had a so-so if not wonderful day, too!

My birthday and stuff.

Oh my knuckle, I haven't blog in the longest time! Anyway, I've been having some good times at Davis. My birthday was on October 13 and although I was in Davis w/o my family and close friends from high school, my buddies at Davis along with Diem and Abby made it such a wonderful day for me. I love you guys!!! I really miss everyone from high school. I miss friendly faces and awesome hugs of Mari, Mira, Aisha, and a bunch of other people. I miss Yingsi, annoying (haha jp) and a drunkie always getting lost and confused. I miss Patricia and the distance makes me miss her more. And I miss Nancy, my badass gangster panda girl. I miss Jin for the inappropriate things he say and the sweet things he did. I miss so many so many so many...people, memories. What have I been up to at Davis...Well I've been staying up soooo late. With my new friends. They're an interesting mix, in a good way. haha. And also weird, and awkward (turtle/uterus/brontosaurus). AND I finally went to the gym, now my legs are sore like lemons. I've been sleeping a lot in class and that gives Diem and Abby ideas to mess with me. I'm so tired now I'm gonna go to sleep. Goodnight apples.
the epiphany of playfulness.

So many things

My first week at Davis was overall great. I love my building (Kearney), my floor (3rd), my roommates (Diem and Abby), and Davis! Even when I was on my way back to Oakland, I was already kiiiinda missing my college. I love what Davis has to offer. My first week were filled with meeting new people, going to some parties, staying up late, biking all around Davis late at night, bonding with my floormates through games of twister, taboo, scattergories, and Big Booty. But through all that fun, I was frustrated by dropping and adding classes trying to squeeze in new ones so they would fit my schedule. But at least now I know for sure which direction I'm heading toward (International Relations) =D. Sometimes I ABSOLUTELY miss my friends from high school. I wanted to make a card to Mira and Aisha for their birthday, but I never got around to it =(. I miss talking to Yingsi on the phone. I miss hanging out with my Panda girls, I miss Mari hugs, I miss Mira and Aisha convos, I miss my loving sophomores from Aypal. And sometimes I get worried that no one would clean up the room for my mom, or wash her clothes, put in her medicine. I miss my babies (nephews and nieces). So I came back this weekend. And I'm a little bit more at ease. My nephews and nieces are so chatty, it makes me feel warm inside.
UCD has been good to me for the time being. I met some great sisters from DOC and I had a lot of fun partying with them. I wish Nancy could be there to have fun with us, too! But what I'm really looking forward to is cruising (with a bike) around town late at night, grabbing late night snacks, which I haven't done yet. I'm trying to make the best of what I got at Davis (like Diem said), and so far it's been a lot of fun here. Anyway, I have a lot of things on my mind and a lot of feelings to express. But all in all, I love and miss so many people!

Listen you. Yea me.

I enjoy staying at home or not seeing my friends these past few days, I really do. I'm not really in the mood to socialize lately. Also, I can't drive so there's really no place to go around here via bus. I can't deny that it has been boring, but that is only when I start thinking about, "where should I go?"
Anyway, I want to prove to myself that I could reach the same level of happiness as the one I once had few months ago. Yea, I'm going to do this for myself.

Productive

Yay! I practiced driving today. And I actually got the gist of it =) It was funny how whenever I brake I looked over to the passenger seat and saw my brother's face, looked like he was about to puke from my bad braking xD Then I got on my bike and drove around my neighbor, uuggh I don't like that bike. I got 3 bruises because of it now. I want some cold stone!!!

14 more days

and I will be in Davis starting my a new chapter in my life. I can imagine myself being occupied with so many things there. But when I went to the AYPAL social today I remember that I will be leaving so many of my favorite people back here in Oakland. Suddenly, I want things to slow down a little so I can cherish time day by day being here in Oakland, close to the people that I adore. I'm so glad to have been part of AYPAL because I met the some of the most amazing people there. I would like to mention my beautiful girls and sexy boys (lol) from Oakland High who are now becoming sophomores. They are the most loving group of people and they brought to AYPAL energy, fun, and family love. Like they said, we are like a second family to each other. I'm going to miss them sooo damn much and I wish that me Abby and Diem would have time to come back to Oakland every Tuesday to attend the YLO meeting. But we'll try our bestest to visit. Because that's how much we love you guys! Anyway, I had a great time today (although I got so soaked and a blister behind my ankles) hanging out with my AYPAL loves. Tiff and Vay I will dearly miss you guys! I hope everyone would move to Davis so I can see them everyday. haha. Anyway, to end my day blog, I actually built up some nerve to go to my backyard and get on my bike. And OMG you wouldn't believe it but I got on that bike (after 2 failed attempts) xD Then I just bike around my backyard because I didn't want to bike around my neighbor. I wanted to avoid this one neighbor of mine...Anyway, I should practice biking more. Be prepared for Davis because right now I sucked at biking sooo badly, I fell and hit the trashcan then ran into my nephew's bike, I just suddenly forgot to brake. I didn't even try to brake. In my head, I was just thinking..."ok...here goes I'm gonna hit that trashcan" then BAM I fell down and now I have 2 bruises on my thigh and my butt is aching. =( Ah! I got sidetrack again. Anyway, have a happy night everyone.

"The air is the only thing we share."

What a sad thing to say. Where there is a hopeful phrase of "We are living under the same sky," there will be a latter phrase of "The air is the only thing we share," to attack the former.
I'm in my closet writing this at 12:05 am. Something about this topic just suddenly pop into my head. I want to talk about it. I feel like we're two totally different people now. We can't talk anymore. It's uncomfortable just looking at you. A reminder that I'm just a remainder after I am subtracted out of your life. And the fact that we can't seem to befriend. It bothers me very much. And I'm doing a good job not to show it, but I don't want to hold it in anymore. So let me confess through this blog. Sometimes I wish no one was reading this because I really don't want anyone to see my feelings and mind so naked through the world wide web. But it's just something that I have to accept when I put this blog in public view, that I have to look pass all the criticisms and the mockeries. So I will free write and write freely through my thoughts. Back to what I was saying. I hate the fact that we can't even be friends. And it was like something mutual that happen between us. But I didn't like the decision one bit. However, I could not do anything to help it. I deem it ridiculous how we know each other initially and want to become friends, but we never put in the effort. I can't do this anymore because I wouldn't like to see her get jealous and I know you wouldn't want to see that either. So this is how it goes. An unfavorable fate. I suddenly remember that one story that you told me, the very last story that you told me. It was about the mother who died and the son only realize the love that she gave him at the very last moment. Then it was too late. You must've thought it was a good ending, a more happy one than the Man in my story. I saw it differently. I didn't like that kind of ending. The kind of ending where everything was too late, and the one person left on the road could not have a chance to redeem. I always avoid reading stories and watching movies which have this ending. But how unfortunate that you would become the mastermind to the kind of ending that I tried to escape from. And I had to sit through it till the end only to find that at the end of the story, no smile, no happiness, only loneliness and guilt was left for the boy.
Then I realize that it's better that the outcome of the story--and life--should be left undisturbed. I think...I deserve a little fresh air, too.
Gerberas and tulips I love.

The little blue house

Quite little for a family of eleven. Including the kids, the number might even exceed 15. For seventeen years of my life, I have been surrounded by loud voices, clanging of dishware and utensils in the kitchen early in the morning, kids running around the house imitating car noises. I've grown into it, and I know one day when I leave for the bigger world out there, I'm going to miss this. I remember taking a trip to Davis and staying at Kieu's new house. I eerily noticed the quietness. It was uncomfortable for me and I wonder if I ever had to live on my own, would I be able to take it. I love every part of my family. My mother and sisters lecturing me with their scary threats and unyielding voices. But through it all, I get phone calls asking, "Where are you? Did you eat yet? Are you having fun? If you need anything just say." I know ,without any uncertainty or doubts, they love me. And then I would miss my obnoxious and energetic kids who make my sisters go crazy. They remind me of the little simple but beautiful things in life. The tidbits of joy that they bring into this family. They teach me of how easy we could achieve and hold onto happiness. My brothers are the most gentle. They never try to raise their voice at me, they would make sure that I am safe and warm and not starving. How I am going to miss all this. And I don't want to be away from it. I'm excited for the big world out there, but I'm scared to walk away from this golden bond that makes me feel like I belong. Looking back, this family was so fragile and on the verge of breaking. I remember that one night when I was around eleven years old. I was laying in bed half asleep when I heard my mother and brother arguing, one holding a knife, the other unwilling to compromise. And tracing back a few years earlier, I would hear my mother yelling loud enough for the neighbors to hear, cursing her life and her husband. It was weird how I always hear stories from my mother about my father and how bad he was, but I never grow to despise him. In fact, I love him even though he was only with me for eight years of my life. But I could feel his love and care for me. If not that he was a good husband to my mom but he was the best dad I could have in this lifetime. And my mom was strong, a superwoman. I was always at awe by the fact that she could love all her children equally and not favor one over the other, and she had so much children. She made sure that each one of us was raised healthy and taught well, and I felt she achieved that. My mom is a great woman. I think through all the breaks and cracks that my family has gone through, what held us together was love and appreciation was our foundation that kept our family standing. I couldn't ask for a better family.

I don't know anymore

Should I blame myself for the barrier that's starting to build up in our friendship?
Anyway, today I was woken up by Anna phone call asking me for Jin's number because supposedly they were planning to go eat dim sum together. Then I planned to go eat at sushi house. Since we couldn't think of anyone to call (although we did call jason, diana, and abby) only me and Diem went. So I tried to reason for it maybe it's because Anna was about to leave for Harvard soon so they want to hang out with her. But there has been so many times and so many reasons that I have not been hanging out with Jin and Jason. I guess it's a one-sided thing and only I feel close to them but they don't feel the same way. During my last high school year as a senior, I've grown really attached to some people. Some of them I would definitely mention is Jason and Jin, and I want to point them out because lately I feel so distanced from them.
Jin...let's see. It was so unexpected becoming a close friend to him. In middle school, we never really hang out and talk that much. We were in such a biiiiiig group and I only stick with the girls or Jason and Huy. And I always thought he was one of those people (Judy, Baiyi, Davis, etc) who did not want to be close to me because he probably think I'm obnoxious and an untrustworthy person. So I was always discouraged once and again to talk to him and the other people. But when we got to high school, and although it took us a while, we started talking more in Senior year. Jin was always nice to me, even though he has a potty mouth and he says mean things, but I know he was a veryyy sweet person for all the nice things he did for me. I always thought it was something that I could keep in my heart forever because someone could be so nice to me. And we will remain as good, very good friends. But it doesn't feel that way anymore. And Jason, we've been friends for 7-8 years and I feel like I could always talk to him with no restriction because of how comfortable I feel when I'm around him. Honestly, I don't have a lot of guy friends that I could feel at ease with. A friend like that don't come around as often, it feels much more special. Ever since he had his first girlfriend, it was harder to communicate. But then we got closer after that situation. But now our friendship is strained again.
So I don't know anymore.
And I got a call asking me to go bowling. And as much as I want to go, I said "no" again...and I feel like Jin is tired of me saying I don't want to go that he doesn't bother asking me anymore. It makes me feel sad, disappointed, and out of place. I wish I could have the freedom they have, then I wouldn't be so constricted to answer a simple question such as, "do you want to go bowling?" And I doo sooo badly want to say yes, but at the same time, I feel so discouraged with the impression that I get when I talk or see you guys. I'm sorry. You may say I think too much, but I wouldn't think this way if it's not the because of the kinds of action you guys make to have me thinking this way. Can this be mended?

Another home day

I've been doing some window shopping online. Went on sites such as target or ikea to look for dorm things then make a list of the things I want and need for my dorm. I've been not thinking too much about Patty leaving for college because I want to see it as a temporary vacation for her and the others and that she will come back and our friendship remain the same. Yea, that's really how I see it and what I believe: that this goodbye is not suppose to be sad, but then whenever I see her cry (like yesterday night) it triggers a little tear from my eyes, too. I've began to realize that staying at home is not that bad. haha. Since I'm about to go to college, I can see so much freedom I can get. But I shouldn't take that in too fast and I should stay home more.
So today when I was at home watching the news, the issue about McCain picking a woman as VP came up. My uncle had this whole topic about women being part of the political arena. His opinion is that for decades and centuries, women have always put their family issue as priority. They are, essentially, the caretaker. To have a woman as VP is quite risky mostly if she had children. He also said that women are highly emotional compare to their opposite sex and emotional people are weak. So to have a woman (who put feelings on top of practicality) as president or even VP, is a wrong decision. In my opinion, my uncle should have looked at the records of the political candidate first before even judging on gender base. Also, there have been many well-established political leader who are women who has family. Ok, it is true that most women are "feeling" type of people, but that doesn't make them weak and shaky. We've seen many women who are the establisher of the family, who holds the family up through times of breakdown because they are the empathizers, the supporters, and the fool-proof glue that holds family together. They are experienced in this field. And as far as I know, we need someone, who can hold the country together, who knows how to understand what the people want, who knows how to comfort people through times of war and tragedies. And it shouldn't matter whether that person will be a man or a woman.
So I guess I got a little sidetrack, but this topic is similar to the whole "race" topic like what Diem has in her blog. It's really hard sometimes not to be sexist or racist because those things of the past establishes the "what is meant to be" in our mind. But then sometimes we just need to break out of it for the greater good. Because we haven't seen the result yet of what could happen if Obama became president or Palin became VP, we shouldn't be so ready to judge on the outcome just because of their skin color or gender. So we'll all have to see, right?

Carmen

is a play about a gypsy named Carmen who wooed a soldier causing him to abandon his job, mother's last wish, and former lover. After she succeeded in convincing him to join her smuggling gang, Carmen fell in love with a well-known and well-loved bullfighter. In effect, the soldier felt betrayed so he killed Carmen.
Carmen...a spirit of free love, moving from one man to the next. After she is bored with one, she discards him and look for another victim to her neverlasting love.. Confident with her beauty. When I watched the play, it makes me wonder how extreme this play can get. At the same time, all the possibilities it holds when a love gone wrong can lead to so many crazy acts. Carmen was unfaithful to begin with so it was understandable that she deserved such an ending. But what about the people who are not like Carmen? What if they found someone else who they feel much more in love with than their former, could they escape the Carmen-ending or a tragic ending?

The time has come. Brace yourself

For the past...I-don't-recall days, I've been pretty offline and not spending times on the net for hours like I used to. Honestly, it feels refreshing. I have time to reassure myself that I'm still me, still strong and independent, and I can still think straight and focus on doing things for my own leisure, such as reading a book. Because ever since August started, so many things ran through my head. My friends packing and leaving, that not-meant-to-be guy who liked me and whom I cast away with my uncertainties, a reflection of myself, the decision that I will have to face when I step on college ground, and ultimately, going to college and living that life unconstrained by worried adults. But ever since I finished Harry Potter, I feel lifeless and walking around my house searching aimlessly and looking forward to nothing. Anyway, back to what I was talking about. I think I like myself more when I focus on the present and not the past or the future. Although I really did live for the present (making plans to hang out with my friends and such), I felt like my soul was still wandering in the what-could-have-been past and the what-could-be future. I did not like living in those moments at all. And I guess just simply reading helped me out of that phase for four days. I want to look for that Me again. It took awhile and that fated time has finally come. The time when I can move on (honestly, I will forever remember and appreciate the good memories that this summer had left me and the smile he had left me. And although it was bittersweet, I will rest it in my heart). Continuing on, the time has come when Patricia leaves for Harvard. The time when many others will be leaving for college. The time when I will move into my dorm. It's dawning on me. So close. I actually felt the effect of people leaving for college like a few weeks ago and that left me in a phase of sadness and tears. And I think I'm over it, and I'm ready to say good-bye without a tear.

Patricia, I will dearly miss your presence here in California, whether I am walking to class, grabbing lunch, hanging out with the other girls, I know in the back of my head, that one sad phrase "I wish Patricia was here," remains. I think our friendship has surpassed one of the rockiest road that most friends have to go through: Boys. haha. And I think our bond became stronger. I hope this will be cherished for years to come. This summer came with many amazement for me and probably for you, too. We are both becoming adults and I feel like we both made mistakes and it was a good thing that came upfront about it with each other. I will miss taking pictures with you, and laugh at your craziness. Even though I showed you love through my sarcasm and my tough shell (and I thought you were probably annoyed once or thrice with my demeanor) but just so that we'll leave with no misunderstanding and strains in our friendship, I will end this by writing out (b/c I don't really have the gut to say it) straightforwardly that I love you (as a friend, of course. haha.)

Anna, I know you are about to leave. And I will miss your smartness, your getting-the-job-done attitude, your care, your concerns, your fast-talking, your unladylike-ness and so many gifts and flaws that you possess that makes you YOU. Although I've known you for years, I haven't really gotten to understand you and feel that we have been through some deep *shit* together. But honestly, it's ok. I know for sure that your desire to be my good friend and other people's good friend is, nonetheless, genuine. And I feel really thankful and glad that we became close friends. I hope you'll come back here in 3 months from Harvard with interesting stories and news for us! By the way, I'm so glad that you chose to have a pot-sticker day with the girls as your farewell present. =) Much love!
I do want to write about many more other special people who have already left for college but then that will come later. <3 <3 <3

That's all.

I have been reading the 7th and final installment of Harry Potter for the last...3 days. It's Suuuuper interesting. Ok ok, I know people are going to be like, "Whaaatttt? You haven't read it yet?" NO I HAVEN'T. haha. That book has been on my bookshelf for almost a whole year and I've never opened it once cause I was always discouraged by the thickness of the book. But wow, ever since I read it, I could not bear to put it down. And I've just been occupied with it every since and not updating my blog. Even now I don't really feel like updating.
Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about my dorm and I am ecstatic. I can't wait to move in. I've been kinda homestay these past two days, but I did a little dorm shopping. Went hunting for bed sets and I'm a little frustrated by the fact that my bed is an extra long twin bed. I mean...I'm short...ok? I don't need any EXTRA LONG twin size to make my life any more difficult than my height have already made it. But yea...it's been difficult trying to compromise with the size of the mattress at Davis and the one available at the store. And for the dorm decor, I want to have pictures of friends and families. I want a theme to my dorm but then we'll have to see after we move in to see how much space we have. Then me abby and diem will decide together! But that's about the only updates I have right now. I was about to talk about something, but I am an easily distracted person (could quite close to being diagnosed of A.D.D.) so I got sidetracked. Anyway, I'll talk later.

Fate. This one's for Panda.

Reality. When you meet someone, you are taking a risk and facing a consequence that one fated day you will have to say a heart aching goodbye. So be prepared. But even when I am prepared for that one day, I don't think pain and tears could be prevented unless I am living in a lie. Usually, I don't like going into touchy topic and cry about it. But I'll let my emotions flow on this one because I feel like all five of us have a mutual connection that we dearly love each other and we will cry our eyes out through our times of happiness and sadness and ultimately the times we have left with each other. Four years of high school did not amount to nothing. I think I gained so much and Panda was the biggest part of it. I'm so glad we found each other. In less than a year, we have become almost inseparable(mentally). Panda shaped me into a person that I want to become. Being with them, I know that I don't have to bend and twist myself into another personality so that I could make friends. I did not have to become an artificial object of fake smiles and laughters to impress people. And in the process, I also found many close friends that I could trust and be real with. These girls were such a strong tower of support for me that I was not afraid to let myself fall sometimes because I know at the end of the road there remains 4 people in my life who still gives a shit about me. =) There is a reason to why our first initials spelled out Panda. Panda is a symbol for friendship (at least that's what I saw in an article). That means we are fated to be friends forever. Haha, it's like I'm forcing this on ya'll, but I hope our friendship will always stay intact. Hoes over bros, Chicks over dicks, I live by this quote when I'm with these girls. I notice that over the years, months, days, etc. we could all open up to each other. Although we will be separated by states and cities, I still feel blessed and blissful that under the same sky, we continue to think about each other and how we are all doing and if we met any cute guys in college(joke!). So don't be too sad Patricia, Diem, Abby, and Nancy. Even though we are far from each other but our hearts are near. I loooooove ya'll.

"Le coeur en flamme."

Je ne peux pas oublier les bons moments. Je pense que mes sentiments peuvent pas etre aide'
Oh well.
Reste mon coeur.
I went to the Streetfest in Chinatown today. Compare to the other years that I went, I thought this year was much better. There were cool dances from different culture and I get to spend time with my girls. So I'm looking forward to next year's. I saw the lion dance performance. Kevin and Leo was performing, which I thought was cool, and it was funny seeing the little kids attacking Leo's butt 'cause he was making the lion's butt apparent by shaking it nonstop. Haha. Diem and I was tempted to touch it, too xD. I have to give him some props though. And Kevin looks ho ying even though he scared some children xD. I have the highest opinion of Kevin, and I'm "juiced" for Abby. Haha. It was pretty disappointing that Abby and I didn't get to do much with Mari and we didn't hang out longer cause we had some bad planning. I hate planning. My heart goes out to all of my very special friends even the ones that I don't hang out with much because we never came around to planning things. I love you guys! But anyway, we were planning to go watch the sunset, but it was called off because Abby's mom unexpectedly tell Abby that she has to go home for her Grandfather's birthday. xP Me and Diem are going to figure out ways for Abby to get some freedom in college. We are going to create a conspiracy against Abby's mom. Lol. Jp. Her mom is like 20+ years more experienced than all three of us combine, she would figure out every little tricks we have under our sleeves because she was probably one of us when she was our age. Anyway, there are so many other things planned for the upcoming week and I hope they will work out. Please!

The longest nap.

I stayed home the whole day today. Also took a 3 hr nap. Whenever I open my eyes, I feel like closing them again as if to sleep more and to make up for all the extra hours that I did wrong to my body by not sleeping early. I got my desired dorm, and thanks to Denny's help I got the classes that I want, Yingsi left to Providence, many of my friends are moving in and starting classes, Mari Patty and Anna will be leaving for Harvard soon, and Davis is finally calling my name. I used to think college is just school and I never really see it as a big stepping stone. I see my birthday as simply a day that will pass onto another day, and I see college that way. But ever since I started selecting which college I should apply to, then finally make the big decision to which college I will be going to, I realized that going to college will be a milestone in my life. Mix with excitement, happiness, skepticalness, and fear, I feel that college could be overwhelming. I know that I will be like many others who will graduate from college, but at this moment, I feel scared for myself. When Denny told me that I could change my class today, I feel excited because I've been meaning to drop and add some classes. But when I was in the process of adding and dropping, I was stuck for 30 mins to 1 hour figuring out which classes I should take. Being so uncertain about what I want to study for the next four years in college, I wish I was not like that. I am an overanalyzer. I know that I am such an indecisive person and when I am stuck, I only have myself to blame. But honestly, when it comes to my major, I want to be fixed on it and not waver so much. There are so many things to learn and I want to learn everything (even though I know that is impossible). I don't know what I am good at, I don't know what I LOVE to specifically study because I seem to blend into everything besides math and science. I only know that I love learning. The sunrise and set and the next day start, college days are rolling in on me and I can't help but feel scared. Some people sleep to pass time but this nap that I took has a much different intention to it. I was wishfully thinking that maybe the clock would stop as I sleep so that life could give me more time to reflect on what I want to become and how I want to mold my life.

Singular...II

My previous post was kinda short, and I meant to make it longer but something came up. So here, hopefully this will make up for it. I cheat xD.
Dear Diem,

Being single for many years (yes, I'm going to expose us. haha.), I think we have reached the level that no one was able to reach. We're just so damn cool. Even though my brother in law might joke that somethin is wrong with me (implying my sexuality) I don't think that's the case. haha. We just have some over the top discipline compare to other teens.

Being single, was it hard for you? haha.

Seriously, I am amazed at you. Your heart didn't even move for any guys ever since what, 7th grade? Things have been too easy going for us. In my case, whenever I like someone, it's not always wholly as to avoid hurting myself.

But being single isn't something that we are ashame of.

We are singular.

Do you know what that means? It means "extraordinary; remarkable; exceptional:" Got that off of dictionary.com just to be accurate. haha. At the same time, the word means we're unusual, odd, and different. I guess we apply to all of them. But guess what, we're still awesome. Congratulation to our 17 years of life independent of boys. Woot!

<--This was actually taken from my myspace. Looking back at it, I think we both have changed a lot. There was this one period where we were so close, so close to saying bye to our singular-ness, but we both drew back. We both admitted to our regrets and our uncertainties. And now, what do we do? We made another bet. I didn't want to make this into a competition thing, but Diem started it . Haha. But we both decided to wait because this time, nothing turned out right for us. It's true that I have bad timing with these kinds of stuff, but if it doesn't come naturally, it wasn't meant to be in the first place, right? So Diem, don't miss River too much. =) and neither will I linger onto the what WAS and focus on the what is NOW. I think by making this bet (to see who could stay single for all 4 years =X) it helped us in a way. And that is not to rush. And not to blame myself too much for what did not happen. I love the song "Que Sera Sera" because it helps me through times in my life that did not go smoothly. And there's always a reason to why that happen so I should just go with the flow and "What will be will be." And even if that might lead me to lose the bet and my $10, I'll live. Of course.

I can't

stop staring at my dorm assignment!!! Yayyyy I'm so glad that I got the nice part of Tercero AND I'm rooming with my loves, Diem and Abby
=)

=D Smile.

I like this song (Divine Idylle), it makes me smile. I wish it was longer so my smile can last. But then the best thing about life is you can play it over and over again to regain that delight. Like music, I can replay the happy memories in my head until I'm sick of it. Sometimes I find it weird how my smile could be so easily bought from the simplest happenings in life. People mock at me for it, but the saying goes, "Smile is golden." And the more you smile, the longer you live. Haha, ok ok I don't know if that's proven , but damn it feels good to know that you're smiling. So let me tell you something...Patricia. =)

I hope you know that the more you show me that you're happy, and that you and him like each other, I will be able to move on. If you keep doing the "uhh" and the "umm" and the guilty tone toward me, I would be upset, honestly, I would. You know when you first did that, it could only give me false hope that maybe, just maybe he still likes me. And I know that he doesn't. So DON'T do that. I want you to be able to tell me about your love life, what he did to make you happy, what he did to make you mad...like before. Remember? You use to do that all the time, and you're not doing that anymore. =P Idk why, but I could only guess that you probably feel uncomfortable because I like him or w/e. We told each other that no boys will get in between our friendship, and I'm keeping my words. I know you'll keep yours, right? =)

Trust me when I said that I'm happy. I'm living by the quote that "happiness is a journey, not a destination," and I believe that the "present is a gift." You know when you run into a problem, you meet a fork on the road. I think I took the right fork. That does not mean that I have solved my problem. I don't think that everything has to have a solution, but what I did is to accept and be grateful for the present, the gift. Then I found myself to be very content. Ahhh, a sip of green tea.

I feel like I just drank from the fountain of youth.

Good Morning! I've been waking up consistently these days. Anyway, that was not the point of this early blog.
To start it off, I find it nonsensical that I took on the habit of going to sleep while hugging Mister Panda...It's pretty hard to hold him because his head is big with a small body. So I have to hold his head all the time. haha...
With all these acceptance and embracement of my own feelings and habit, I think it's the only way for me to let go. And pretty soon, it will be all memories. Then when I look back, I can laugh at myself for my follies and mistakes.
Sometimes, I wish he could be mean to me. Reallyyy mean to me, so then I can hate him. That's usually the fastest way to end things. hahaha. But it's not going that way! Oh, well. And life goes on. And I have to move on because nothing and no one is waiting for me. That's what I tell myself. Even though James said I always have something depressing in my info (which is not true...did you take a look at my info?), when you see me smiling and laughing with my friends, it's genuine. I think I love my life although I faltered along the way. Diem said that someone was bound to get hurt, and I did. But wounds are meant to be healed like mistakes are meant to be learned. So let me fall and break (but don't break all of me) so I can teach myself how to stand back up all on my own.

Finally...

I can feel myself walking on that road of happiness again. For a while I felt like I lost my balance and stepped out of that road.
So today, I hung out with Yingsi, Kenny, Thomas, and Huy. Yingsi, this girl...I missed her while she was in China, and I will miss her terribly when she leaves for college. We went to Barney's early in the morning, and she gave me a very pretty souvenir (Thanks, love). Well this girl never fail to make me smile because she always have something to say about anything and everything. We basically shopped around Piedmont and Rockridge going into little boutiques there. It was pretty pricey, so I didn't buy anything. Then we planned to see each other again this Thursday, I hope!

Then I met up with Alan, Alex, Nancy, and Diem. We hung out till 9pm, sing, talk, LAUGH (so much), and eat.

It's so funny how when you're not feeling too great about life or yourself, you only need a few people to bring your spirit up. And then you can smile all over again. I didn't know that I could live life so freely. I see other people who are stuck in a dilemma, they depend on a certain person to pull them back out. And when that person does not come to their rescue, they are stuck in that hole of helplessness. But I, on the other hand, feel blessed for having so many friends around me who shows that they care for me. Who can make me laugh effortlessly. Who can give me warmth without even realizing. They are all unconsciously giving me courage just by being by my side. I hope everyone can find that shelter, too.

Years ago, I was ungrateful for what I have. Whenever a certain person breaks me, I feel like he or she is the only one who could make me whole again. It's like the end of the world for me. I find it ridiculous. I was blind and didn't see that there were so many others who were willing to lend me a hand.

Sigh...=| --> =)

This is a sigh of relief. Looking back at those pictures and sweet comments of those lovebirds. I realized I have missed out. I've been walking on this kind of road: whenever I like someone, I always try to retain my cool. So if I ever find myself running toward a dent on a road I know how to retrieve. If I ever face rejection, I can pull myself back up and say "I'm ok" and everyday will be like any day. This is to save face and hopefully it will not bog down people's lives. And...for the past idk years, it worked. Haha. Yea I'm used to this routine. It's a habit.
But then I recently talked to Hieu and finally admit, "I totally lost my cool." It's true. I lost it. But at the same time, I still try to put on a front. =P And it's not helping. Ew.
So finally I put up the courage to retrace my step. How did I get to this point? Then I've come to admit that I liked you. I like you. Then I realize that it's not that bad to be honest with myself. But yea...in my life, whatever I do, I think a lot about the consequences. Can I live for one day and not think about it? It's today, I believe. So there, I admit, even if everyone sees it and shakes their head at me for it.
What I learned from this whole thing is that when I like someone, I should show how I feel even if I lose my cool---mask. I don't know what you think, but I thought I was pretty cool. haha jp!
So from today onwards, I will try be honest with myself. Help me, friends.

L'amour...mmm...pas pour moi

At least not yet.
Ever since this whole thing happen, I feel scared to fall into the same hole again. This whole summer, everything is like the stock market. Happiness rises up then it falls back down. And sometimes me and my girls wish that we haven't met any of you. Because in the beginning, we were only looking for friendship but something else came around. Well at least we did become friends and we learn many things. Diem told me that when me and Patty met you, one of us wasbound to get hurt. That does make sense now that the puzzle comes together. It's so funny how we both became rivals in love. But I think I have given in to Patty from the beginning (white flag up). Blast my instinct! But looking back on everything, I felt glad that Patty has finally found someone who can give her an official happiness instead of hiding it in the dark. Of course I have to admit I have a hint of regret. But everything looks great for both of them. Like Diana said, if they both seem to be getting along fine, then I should be happy for them. Mmm. I won't let my feelings get the best of me. Or let it become a problem for others. So I hope we can be friends. If not then that's fine.
But summer is closing in on everyone and Panda will become like P A N D A. With Patty going to Harvard...whenever I think about it...no matter how much we love each other, and how attached we are, I'm still afraid. These girls have given me so much support and care, I <3 them. I hate letting others see me cry b/c I can't cry as pretty as Yingsi. Haha. So I'll just cry here at my desk. xP